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i didnt realize it until just a few days ago, but on february 15 my blog turned 8 (happy birthday blog!). 8 years. wow.
when i started out on this journey, one of the first things i said was that i wanted it to be real. i didnt want to pull punches or hide behind shoddily constructed white-washed walls. i’ll admit that since that time, some posts havent been the most positive. even recently i know you’ve seen me struggle. hopefully, the struggle means ive been confronting things in my life. things i’ve dealt with for years but i’ve never actually overcome.
and honestly, as i move forward, and as i face these demons once and for all, i cannot promise that future postings will be happy and full of cheer. life isnt like that. life isnt full of fluff and cotton candy. life is hard. it was meant to be. and the more i live it, the more i realize that there are things, people, worth fighting for. that there are dreams i desperately want to see come to pass. that there are people i care deeply about. people i will fight for. people i’ll put it all on the line, come hell or high-water, is that all you’ve got, fight for.
the more i live this life, the more i realize that it’s through the hardships that we come to understand true worth, that we come to realize how deep real beauty lies. that its in fighting through the crashing waves that we realize how important our next breath is. and its when we’ve seen how much depravity exists, that our eyes understand how much grace we’ve been shown.
it’s only in the darkest of our days that the we understand how important light is.
i think the most important thing i’ve learned thus far, on this journey, is that we shouldnt run from our hardships. because it’s in the midst of whatever it is we’re walking through, that we so often find what we never knew we needed.
my mp3 player is always on random. and with 30 gigs of music to chose from, it really is random. most times, i dont really focus on what’s playing as it’s really just something to help me focus at work. earlier this morning, this song came on. and although i purchased the album some time ago, this was the first time ive actually listened this song. since then, it’s been on repeat. why? because i needed to hear it.
and if you’re at all like me, then you need to hear it too.
i cannot promise that life will be easy when you wake up tomorrow. but if you stick with it, and deal with what you need to deal with, it will be beautiful. it will.
Fee – Arms That Hold The Universe
i know it seems like this could be
the darkest day you’ve known
but believe you me, the God of strength
will never let you go
He will overcome, i know
and the arms that hold the universe
are holding you tonight
you can rest inside
it’s gonna be alright
and the voice that calmed the raging sea
is calling you His child
so be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go
through many dangers, toils and snares
you have already come
but His grace has brought you safe this far
and His grace will lead you home
and the arms that hold the universe
are holding you tonight
you can rest inside
it’s gonna be alright
and the voice that calmed the raging sea
is calling you His child
so be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go
you can hope, you can rise|
you can stand
He’s still got the whole world
in his Hands
i was challenged earlier today. challenged to find my _____ (whatever your need is) in the words of the Author of this story first. before i turn to friends, family, church leadership, or close associates. i was challenged today to find my solace, my comfort, who i am in the great I am. to turn to His words first, and trust Him, before anything else.
the funny thing is that i know so many of these words already. i know them by heart and can either recite them word for word, or give you a good idea of what’s being said. the funny thing is that i’ve said these words, prayed these words, believed and spoken these words over those i am close to. for friends, family and people i am passionate about.
i know these words as undeniable truth for my friends, for my family. words that say that by His stripes, you are healed and that this Author is the father to the fatherless. words that promise what our heart yearns for.
i know these words. and because of the love i have for my friends and family, believing these words for them is easy. i know the Authors heart because it is evident in the stories He wrote and in the stories He is writing. i know His heart breaks when the heart of someone i care about breaks. i know He feels it when his daughter, my friend, goes through a rough break-up. i know He aches when one of his children is shunned. i know how much He cares for them. i may not fully understand or grasp how much He cares, but i dont doubt it.
but i doubt those words when it comes to me. i doubt His love. His dreams. i doubt that He actually has a plan for me.
there are times when having the father i had growing up doesnt bother me. and there are times when it seems to be an insurmountable mountain in my way.
part of me knows deep inside, that there are things a boy is supposed to learn from his father. things that only a father can teach. the way in which a father is supposed to help boy discover who he is as a man. guide him through the difficult transition and into a better understanding of manhood. fathers were meant to initiate boys into men. they were supposed to show the boy that he has what it takes.
do i have what it takes?
maybe you’ve never asked yourself that question. maybe you’ve never had it haunt your thoughts and dreams. or maybe you’re like me and you understand this question intimately. maybe youre too familiar with asking yourself that as often as i do.
that, is my greatest fear. i dont know if i have what it takes. do i have what it takes to be a man? to call the girl? do i have what it takes to woo her and pursue her and show her how much she is truly worth? do i have what it takes to be the man i’m supposed to be?
that, is my greatest fear. not failing, my greatest fear isnt failing. but not having what it takes…. of not being a man.
if the challenge i was given this morning meant anything to me, if im to gain anything by the words that were so powerfully delivered, if i am to apply it to my life right now, then i need to find my ____ in the Author of this story. in His words, and in His truth. i need to find who i am, in His story and not the one i try to write.
i need to find me, in Him. i need to find that i have what it takes in the Father to the Fatherless.
i’m not usually one for writing an end of year wrap up or typing out a list of resolutions for the year about to dawn. but this is different. this year has been different. and as the chapter of life labeled 2010 readies itself to be written, tonight is just… different.
i dont know if i could put my finger on one reason, on one specific moment this year that is causing this. maybe its the fact that this new year means more than just another year. the world simultaneously enters a new year and a new decade, and on saturday i turn 30.
maybe its those things, but i dont think so.
i think this is based on the fact that im not who i was in 2008, and tomorrow, i wont be who i was in 2009.
2009. a year of change, shock, challenge, pain. new hello’s, and what will probably be last goodbyes. victories and failures. grace and mercy. beauty and life. and so much of all of those came in one week this december.
part of me hurts to see this chapter of my life close. part of me is looking back at my 20’s wondering what happened. wondering how on earth i ended up where i am right now.
but part of me is reminded of something else. part of me is remembering two very dear friends of mine who after each living their own stories of heartbreak and single parenthood, found each other. and how earlier this year, a beautiful blended family was created.
love. overcame. all.
and that gives me hope.
why? because it shows, proves to me that love is out there. that life exists on the other side of 29. that even in the darkest moments and loneliest nights, God isnt done. that He can be trusted, even when we dont understand. and it reminds me that there are people out there worth fighting for. that endless beauty exists. and that when you find someone worth fighting for, you fight for them with all you have.
2010, the year of trying new things. of taking risks. of giving out chainsaws and never looking back. the year, the year that….
love. overcomes. all.
i know, i know – i’ve slacked in my quest with thirty days of thankfulness. to be honest, it’s not because i’m not thankful. it’s not. some of it is forgetfulness on my part, and some of it is sheer willpower, or the lack thereof. either way, i’m not quiting. and i’m contemplating extending this to fourty days.
we’ll see:-).
i will tell you that as we draw so close to the end of this journey (as today is day 29), i know there is still a work to be done in me. i know that i’m far from complete and that the roads i’ve been asked to walk as are as much for me to be changed as they are for me to impact change.
today, i am thankful for
mistakes. for making them. and realizing that i’m making them while i’m doing it. i’m thankful that i live under Grace. and that even in the midst of stupid, self centered decisions, there is mercy. there may not be excuses, and i need to own up to the decisions i make, but there is mercy. thank God for mercy.
answered prayers. be it a 6 month review that puts a lot of my concerns to rest, or surgery on a loved one that went much better than it could have, i am thankful for answered prayers.
challenges. i dont know if i’ve mentioned that before, but i am thankful for challenges. although, when you’re walking through them, it’s not always something you look at and express thankfulness about:-). i’m currently reading who moved my cheese and it’s opening my eyes to the proper way to handle change.
kate. if you’ve not had the pleasure to know kate, you’re missing out. i remember the first time i met her; she was goofy, fun, vibrant, beautiful and full of life. not to mention the smart glasses…. those were what won me over:-). in the years i’ve been blessed to know her, she has challenged, blessed, inspired, encouraged and been a light to my life in more ways than i could possibly mention. our stories are somewhat similar. and knowing that there is someone out there who has walked some of the roads i too must walk…. well, sometimes it just means everything. i am thankful for her, and to her. and i am thrilled for her and her super lucky man:-).
worries. i’m not exactly thankful for my worries as much as i am thankful for the chances to learn, and relearn to trust in the One who has called me by His name. who has called me, called us all to not worry about our life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
family. because they simply rock.
second chances. i think that speaks for itself.
today i am thankful for answered prayers.
for big issues not being so big. for mercy and grace, and for people who let you fail. not because they want you to fail, but because they want you to try….
for friends new puppas (hello tanka!)
and for knowing that next steps will be needed.
most of all, today i am thankful just to be alive.
I cannot believe i’ve let this slip by for a whole week! I’ve not given up and i wont quit it though.
in no particular order, i am thankful for:
days off
i took thursday and friday off for some much needed refreshment. it was wonderful. i litterally did nothing on thursday. ive not done nothing, in so long. friday consisted of a trip to the zoo, a parking space that was majically appeared after we prayed for one, and lots of good times.
laptops
mobile computing. it’s great:-)
music
especially the newest stavesacre, God bless stavesacre
challenges
amazingly enough, i put this on here.
conversations with friends youve not spoken with in a year
talks with friends that remind you of who you are, of why you’re doing what you’re doing. that show you that it’s ok if your life looks more like the scragly, scrawny tree stubbornly clinging to the side of a cliff. refusing to let go and give up. talks with friends that remind you that its not always how pretty you flower, but how deep your roots go.
and that sometimes, the most beautiful thing in the world is to find a kindred spirit. a heart that is bruised and bloodied, that has been through battles, that has seen victory and defeat…. but refuses to let go and give up. reminders that it’s in finding those people that one sees how much beauty truly exists in life, in those around you, and in ones own self.
reminders of the promises made for me.
I know, i’ve said this one before, but it still fits. and i need to be reminded of it, every day.
i was going to sit down and type up a cheerful blog about how thankful i am for my friends. it was going to be short, sugary and for the most part, shallow. i’ve decided against that.
dont get me wrong, i am incredibly thankful for my friends. be they near, or far away… i am thankful for those who have allowed me to walk beside them on their journeys. and im am thankful for those who stuck by me on mine.
im blessed to know friends from all parts of the country and our world. new york, pennsylvania, idaho, tennessee, texas, phillipines, canada, china (at times:0)), etc. but if i was honest with you tonight, id say that the biggest challenge ive faced since landing in texas was making friends here. sure, i’ve always got invites from coworkers to hang out, get drinks, etc… but the friendships i desire dont revolve around baseball games and a beer. they revolve around life.
they grow from the siren song that burns in our hearts for a deeper relationship with the one they call the promise maker. the friendships i want stem from a heartfelt desire to find our place in life, and to dig our roots deeply into the soil we’re planted in.
so while i am tremendously thankful for knowing each and every friend i’ve met, i know there is still more to come. i know there are bridges to build, people to meet, smiles to share, and roads to walk. i am hungry to walk this road with someone i call a friend.
i’ve never been one to enjoy gray areas. i much prefer to take my time and gather as much information as possible before making decisions.
and risk taking? not a huge fan of either.
but im learning that it’s only when one takes risks, it’s only when ones armor becomes dented and broken, that we are given the chance to truly experience life. sometimes we take risks and the rewards are great. other times, we take risks and the results leave us to ponder how something so simple could go so incredibly wrong.
in both times, and in every time in between, He promises to be with us.
blessing the good, redeeming the bad.
never. leaving. us.
and for tonight, that is what i am thankful for. that even though i dont always see Him, even though sometimes His hands are hid, i’m thankful that He promised to never leave.
today, i am thankful for dreams.
and for gentle reminders that the dreams placed in my heart, arent lost.
