just a quick note to end the nite…
through a post on a blog i left a week or so ago (see “change is inevitable”) i have met glenn.

glenn is a cool guy. check him out here.

anyway, shout out tonite to glenn for mentioning me in his blog!

nite all

and for a taste of whats to come…..

yeah… i know. you think you know, but you have no idea….

let me know if some things need to be…

“taken care of”

ive come to the conclusion that talking about your problems, the uh “challenges” we face is a good thing. talking about them to someone who cares allows some of the weight to be lifted. its a gift that removes from you just a little more of the hurt. its akin to removing an old bandage and allowing, for what could be the first time ever, fresh air into a old wound.but, in its very nature, even if we dont notice it… it carries a price.

a price you say? yes… and it can be hefty.

see, even when we dont want it too… it finalizes -even more so- the uh “challenges” your dealing with. all of a sudden, they are more real than they have ever been.

i ended up catchin dinner with the grandparents and an uncle this evening. overall, a very good evening.

good food (new orleans style!)
good people
good talks…..

but it is rough when your father completely threw his entire family down the drain. when your father is a sick man, and your moms parents know it. and they rightfully blame him for a horrid divorce and nearly killing my sister…

ok, so rough is an understatement. suffice it to say, it makes any “family gathering” extremely emotionally draining…

i dunno…

to close tonite, let me say that i realize my post may seem somewhat loose… lacking a cohesive thought pattern… you’re basically hearing my thoughts right now.

my father is a sick man. he threw away the very thing most people would die to protect. and my mothers side of the family absolutely reviles him for it. as they should.

but they are not the ones…. stuck in the middle.

i cant – for the life of me – shake this odd thought.ive never been one for superstition. 7 being lucky… walking under a ladder is bad luck… etc. but i just cant shake this. september 13 2001 – my family left new york for the lovely state of texas. i wont delve into the details of the story today, suffice it to say that they were only supposed to be gone a few weeks. they never came back.

today. january 13, 2002 my family left… again… mom and the sisters were up for the weekend. and they left early this afternoon. now, again – im NOT superstitious. but come on… whats up with the number 13?

i dont know. in other news… the visit was too short… way way too short.

they’ve only been gone 10 hours and i miss them sooooo much.

if anyone talks to them before i do… tell them that the guy in NY loves em incredibly.

If you are convincingly told that you are precious and valued, enough to open yourself to believe such a possibility, and are not treated that way, then slowly the ache of betrayal grows. These very same words that thrilled your heart before become hollow and bitter, falling flat because there is no substance behind them. True commitment, true devotion would not allow such a thing to happen. Sadly, the brokenness left by betrayal is more common than one would hope for.

my relevant thoughts for the nite…

i know i probably should be mature enough to not be surprised by this….
i know ive probably learned enough about this thing we call “life” to be aware enough to not be caught off guard…
i know i shouldnt be sitting in stunned silence…
i know… but i still am.

i sit here. blown away, bewildered, convuluted, stunned into silence….
my life has changed… again. all over again. in a moment.
in a moment my day went from ‘ok’… to ‘oh my god’.

…an excerpt from Hinds Feet on High Places….

“…she had been down into egypt and had looked upon the grinding-stones, the wheel, and the furnace, and knew that they symbolized an expierence which she herself must pass through. Somehow, incredible as it was, she, Much-Afraid, had been enabled to accept the knowledge and to acquiesce in it, and she knew within herself that with that acceptance a gulf had opened between herself and her past life, even between her past self; a gulf which could never again be closed….”

for weeks now ive had this sense, that “it” wasn’t done yet, that the burning wreckage of my ‘family unit’ hadn’t crashed landed yet. and, i was right. it seems that before it slams permanently into the earth, it may have some flammable cargo still waiting to explode. today, something huge blew up. and whats worse, the repercussions haven’t even been felt. yet.

welcome – to the begining of the end….

i wouldnt call this chapter 4. its more like just a small scrap piece of paper i shoved into my book.

im sick of this. i seriously am.
what i wouldnt give for closure.

something definitive. something that begins to bring the frayed strands of my life back into some semblance of alignment. something that begins to bring completion. normallacy. something that says that “the end is near”. or…. “keep going because you’re almost there”.

maybe its somewhat greedy of me to wonder why i should continue to keep pressing on.

new subject.

honesty and openess. according to a “comprehensive personality profile” i took for my job, i prefer honest open relationships. i have a very low level of trust. and… oh heck. just read

My social style combines a low degree of trust with a low level of assertiveness. This low trust affects interpersonal relationships because it produces a skepticisim toward the real intentions of others. As a result, I will avoid being completely open and free to interact when being introduced to new acquaintances. Once the acquaintance earns a degree of trust, I become much more relaxed in my relationship and more open with my emotions. In addition, my low level of assertiveness affects interpersonal relationships because I feel I might be too easily manipulated or controlled by others. A defense mechanism will more than likely be employed to protect my vulnerability. The interaction of these two characterists, low trust and low assertiveness, result in my maintaining a more controlled approach to new relationships.

a “more controlled approach to new relationships” and “a defense mechanism”.
hmm… i seriously hate my defense mechanism. i can feel it click into gear and i feel completely and totally powerless to stop it. its like a wall that just pops up. i dont intentionally do it. i despise when it happens. and i’ve no clue what to do when it happens.

the more i live
the more i (hopefully) learn.

and if i learned anything this week, its that life seems to be a very delicate balancing act. one at which i am an utter failure at. it is not possible to live in a way that doesnt piss somebody off. it really isnt. which then denotes the question – why try? why do i even bother.

i guess, in all honesty – you’re hearing the fearful cries of a wounded heart. you’re hearing me fighting against my ‘defense mechanism’. you’re hearing me trying to wade through the repeating tapes of my failures, of my hurts, of who i think i am.

i spent this week waking up screaming from the american dream.

and ive realized, i dont want it. im not living for the american dream. i dont care about a good retirement. i dont care about a nice freakin ‘nest egg’. i dont need a vacation house in cancun or the ability to move to florida when im 65. this life was meant to be lived.

i dont know how, and i dont see the way… but somehow… i hope that my living will bring me to the place where i understand how to truly live. because i know im not now. i know i can not be truly living. if this is truly living – then this life i think im living isnt worth the cost. i was born for something more. i was born for something beyond the sum total of my parts.

i dont know what.

i just know im restless.

welcome to my life
welcome to the struggle to live
welcome to this life i think im living.

is there some mythical connection between certain bloggers?
take -for instance- valmarie and i.
we both havent posted in a few days and we both felt guilty about it.

weird. i have nominated it for the word of the day.
definetly fits.
so much has happend in the past 3 days.
so much.

take this blindfold off of me
im walking but i can not see…
mysteries fly at my feet
the answers come with no relief
and i, keep walking down that road.

delirious. blindfold.

life has changed. im trying to adapt with it.

so yes – as this post draws to a close i do realize it wasnt one of my longer ones. in fact, probably very short.

as my final note.
watching a friend of mine earlier this week… i was reminded of something im constantly learning and re-learning.
cherrish every moment you get with your family. because time with them can be short. very short.

until next time
i am pj (pip)
and this…
is the life i think im living


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