(this was actually written a few days ago… im just posting it because i want to…)

i used to think i understood the words to “hanging by a moment” – lifehouse.
6 months ago, i had no idea what the words meant. who knows, maybe 6 months from now, ill look back and realize i was totally oblivious to what they mean.

“desperate for changing / starving for truth…. there is nothing else to lose / nothing else to find / nothing in the world / that could change my mind there is nothing else….
im falling even more in love with you / letting go of all ive held on to
im standing here until you make me move / im hanging by a moment here with you
im living for the only thing i know / im running and im not sure where to go
and i dunno what im diving into / just hanging by a moment here with you”

its the end of the single most frustrating day in a very long time and nothing specific happend to make it “frustrating”.. i just been on the verge of snapping all day i did actually… my fist ended up connecting with my closet door. ive got a really nice black and blue
mark on my knuckle… although..because of the swelling you cant really tell i have a knuckle.

id just like one day. where for once, things go right. i ace an interview.. or my dad gets a job.  my sisters get to go out and have fun. or heck… i even get a good lead on a place to live.  id settle for a good can of italian green beans and not spilling my milk all over the living room floor…

my mom summed it up just a lil while ago while i was talkin to her. she said “if this is -living by faith- it sucks”.

i spent 4 hours tuesday looking through 22 years of life. it was a lot easier to live with “life” in all those boxes upstairs when i could ignore what they contained. but i had to sort through them to see how to stack them. things became a lot more personal… i pulled out a book i was given when i was 3.   i still remember mom reading it to me. and yeah, 90% of my sisters possesions are now in the basement at my grandmas. everything from stuffed animals to clothes to little knick knacks that makes a room… a “girls” room. 23 years of pictures. memories. the past.

its funny, because i had “friends” by michael w. smith running through my head.

i always wanted to be considered mature for my age. i guess i just didnt realize that “moving out on my own” would consist of having my house sold from under me.

its a strange feeling. somethin else mom kinda hit the nail of the perverbial head with. we dont have anything…. left.  they went down there with 3 weeks worth of stuff… and since then… only what they’ve been able to aquire since they got there. its not even that there is anything else to “come back” too. i used to think that God would orchestrate situations so that it litterally became impossible for anything to be done unless he did it. like, the isrealites caught between the mighty red sea and the pursuing egyptian army. or later on, when the isrealite army was in a fierce battle that they could only win during daylight… so God stopped the sun for almost a full 24 hours. or… david and Goliath.

the Bible. chock full of these accounts. of how God came through and “saved the day”…. He has got to here. because i dont have anything else to give. im dangling at the end of my rope and after each passing moment, the “unheard of idea” of -letting go-… is all of a sudden a very real… and very atractive… possibility.

ive never faced a hungry lion… or the very real possiblity of being put to a gruesome death simply for not denying Christ. ive never faced a lynch mob hungry for the blood of the innocent. ive never sat for 3 days in the belly of a whale. maybe ive never done anything spectacular. maybe ive failed. who knows.

i used to be so commited to walking this “road” thats been set before us. so… ready and even willing to just drop whatever part of my life became a hinderance to my “walk”. ready to sacrafice whatever it took… why the hell did everything have to be ripped away instead?

im sick of “trying to find my way the best that i know how”… as lifehouse put it. is that what we as “Christians” are supposed to expect from life? just to walk around blindly in this fog that dulls are senses and makes us so incredibly powerless that we literally cant continue on as normal people? is that all that there is ? who knows..

maybe im just rambling. thats probably what this is. but its from my heart. as confused/hurt/tormented/misunderstood/misguided/
lost/alone/desperate it is… its from my heart.

italian green beans. one wouldnt think it would take a miracle to get a nice freakin bowl of italian green beans… but hey… im not the miracle worker am i