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so i finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

and it talks so much about christian men who live passionless lives. lives devoid of fire. lives devoid of righteous anger. lives devoid of a reason for waking up in the morning.

they’re good guys. very good guys. they’re the guys who treat women with respect. they open doors. they dont look at porn. they make a good living to provide for their wife and 2.3 kids. they tithe. and they are utterly dead inside.

the do not live. they simply exist.

and for the past few months thats how ive felt. im trapped. my passions for so many things, sound. youth. worship… everything that used to make me me isnt accessible down here.

and that needs to change. because life sucks when you just exist. im not sure how, im not sure what it will take but it needs to change. because i REFUSE to live a mediocre life…. screw the status quo. id rather die than live a passionless life.

life is meant to be lived.

I am a part of the “Fellowship of the Unashamed”. I have Holy Spirit power. The die is cast. I’ve stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I’m a disciple of His. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, live by prayer and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is tough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted or delayed. I will not flinch in the face or sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of my enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up or slow up ’til I’ve preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go ’til He comes, give ’til I drop, preach ’til all know and work ’til He stops.

And when He comes to get His own, He’ll have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear.

(thanks mateo)

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i think a month is the longest ive gone between posts in a long time. im not sure what the hold up has been. i could go into more detail, but for tonite, i need to focus on only one thing. and in leading up to that one thing, on this thing.

its been a year.

thats right. 365 days. well, as of today, 368 days since i arrived in texas. wow. i didnt even realize it until one of my sisters mentioned it. a year. already. welcome to my monkey-bar moment.

and for the next 365…

dear God, please be near. be God.
and help me to be me.

we all have separate roads to walk, each one with its own rest-stops, of places of healing, of tears and places of learning to let go… places where letting go will be easy… places where the God of all creation is actually lifting the burden from your shoulders, and other times.. other times we will simply be forced to let go of our burdens because its all we can do to hold onto the sheer rock face we’re fighting to climb….

and its in those moments…

those moments of terror when we cant see the top of the rock wall, moments when its the darkest part of the night, the storm is raging all around us and all we can do is dig our bleeding hands into the outcroppings of rock and hold on…

and its in those moments we cry out

Lord i need to hear from You be near oh God be near

i worry, way to much. especially for one who professes to be a christian. i worry… way to much.

i worry about my health. i worry about what other people think. i worry about my future. i worry about my past. i worry, or fear rather… that i’ll just not be good enough and God will simply write me off. ill worry that my idea of God is based on my life experiences and not on who He truly is. i worry that God may only be the sum total of my life experiences and that who He truly is doesnt matter.

yet, i am a christian.

funny huh?

my life is a study in contradiction. you could write your thesis on my life. on what runs through my head… and of how messed up i sometimes am.

i worry that i wont be good enough for a free gift. yes, thats right… a gift with no strings attached that would be as readily given to mother theresa as marilyn manson… i worry that i wont be good enough for that gift.

i walk around every day trying, giving 110% at every single thing i do, hoping against hope that ill just be good enough to help ease the pain. to make life easier again. to be happy. to feel joy. to let go.

i live each day planned out so firmly because subconsciously i feel that if i do everything right, that the other shoe wont drop. that surprises wont be bad anymore. that phone calls from home and trips out to dinner wont be laced with the pain and hurt of the past 3 years.

i simply want everything to be ok again. i want to forget about all that happened. i just want it to be ok again.

to stop hurting….

there was once a time when i didnt worry so much. when i was more in love with my saviour… and less infatuated with the hell of life. i want to go back there again…

but im realizing that i cant. i cannot go back. there are times when i just want to scream out in desperation because i cant go back to being innocent. i cant go back to having a child-like heart simply because id not yet experienced enough of life to change my heart to adult-like.

its no longer that easy to have a child-like heart. now i have to almost ignore the circumstances that life drops on you like pianos from the sky. now i have to focus on who God is. on who He professes to be. on the author and finisher of my faith.

i have to. because i cant finish it. im no good at this thing.

im scared. im terrified. i’m the little kid at the top of the slide who selfishly demanded that his daddy not stand behind him as he climbed the ladder that led to the beginning of his life’s journey… that lead to the top of the slide. so here the little kid stands, death grip on the railings of the slide, he doesnt move… because now he sees how far he’s gone, and how far away his daddy is…

now im not going to finish the story of the little kid on the slide, because the story needs to finish itself…

but rest assured of this one thing: no matter the ending, his daddy will be there. whether the little boy loses his grip and falls, or intentionally lets go and slides… his daddy will be there.

it doesnt matter if daddy catches him, or slows his landing:-)… He will be there.

i need to know that. in the very core of who i am, i need to know that.

click here: google gulp

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

we swear… ever….

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

anyway.

gnite

could it be true
can life be new
could it be all that I am is in You
could it be this
could it be bliss and
can it be You
can it be You

ill gladly step out of the politcal debate that is currently swirling around Terri Schiavo…. God only knows i’d like to say something, maybe a lot of somethings… but right now, that will do absolutely crap.

so ill do the one thing im called to do… and i hope you’ll do it too.

Lord, bless this family. be with them during this time… and please, please… be with terri.

amen

thats the question of the moment. thats the question i’m asking. thats the one answer im not finding. but thats exactly what im looking for.

and maybe, just maybe… thats exactly what the One wants for me.

court, i would have commented on your blog. but for some reason it wasnt letting me. so ill comment here.

your post (see it here) was amazing. it was a breath of fresh air. it was real. raw. passionate. honest. unhindered. it was a page from the book of my life… it was incredible. and it resounded inside of me.

i know what you’re going through because im feeling the same way. like there is something missing. like there is a part of life that i dont have. like there is something im just supposed to “get” and im just not getting it. like a page, chapter or even volume from the instruction manual for my life is printed in french. and i dont read french.

i want what you want. i want unveiled eyes.

Lord make it so…

this post is regarding jens decision last nite. and the comments regarding it on aprils blog which can be read here.

its interesting how we watched the exact same show, although i only saw the last hour of the final episode, and ran down completely different thought paths.

not that your thoughts aren’t correct… they most definitely resounded inside of me. my initial knee-jerk reaction wasnt the same as yours. mine dwelt mostly in the realm of fears that i have.

ive thought a lot about love/marriage recently, especially if there is just that “one someone” who is meant for you, or if love is nothing more than two people who decide to give whatever it takes to make it work. so seeing the show simply brought the spotlight back onto those thought processes.

during some time with my mom a few weeks ago she asked me a quesiton. she asked me about a certain someone in my life… and what the plans would be for this person. and even if there were plans.

and my answer went something like this.

“i cant see getting married or involved in a committed relationship because i havent seen one work. all ive seen is how one man (my father) can have such a tremendous destructive impact on so many families. his family, my moms family, and our immediate family. he destroyed so many parts of those families. and he was just one man. why on earth would i want to enter into a relationship that would carry with it the same possibility for destruction that my dad dished out?”

i know… quite a response. and mom didnt have much to say after that. im not sure if she’d never realized it, or just simply was unable to see things the way i did until that moment. or maybe she was trying to decide what to pack for lunch the next day… im not sure. all i know is that my response to her questioning was from the very bottom part of my heart. and encompassed within in all the fears and lack of qualifications that a 25 year old from ny could carry. it was real. it was me.

why would i want to bring someone into my life if they’re only going to end up like my parents? or for that matter, like my mom? and dont tell me it couldnt happen, children of divorcees have a divorce rate themselves of 75%. thats nearly 50% higher than the national average by the way. i never want to treat a woman the way that my mom was treated. she deserves better than that. april deserves better than that. jen deserves better than that.

and its that last and final thought for this morning… that my mom deserves better.. that april deserves better… that jen deserves better… its that thought that rises up within me and screams out a guttural YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jen had the guts to stand up against millions of people and say she wasnt going to settle. she knew she deserved better. she deserved to be treated like a princess not only on first dates and when guys are desiring something… but 10, 20, heck, 50 years into the marriage. a princess is who she is its not just a way she should be treated. its part of the very fiber of her identity. and she is looking for a man who will always be able to see that precious part of who she is.

and it was those thoughts that made me realize how awesome a responsibility marriage will be. how much work ive got ahead of me to be able to be the kind of man that will treat the woman of my dreams….

just like she is the woman of my dreams.

so have i given up hope of a relationship? on a future life with that special someone? no. ive not. i know ive just got a ton of work to do.

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