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so i seem to have this thing with becoming heavily involved in, shall we say “left of center” tv shows. first it was buffy, now – angel.

so in tonites episode, one of they key characters has a surprise visit from his father. the father being portrayed as overbearing, unapproving and downright hurtful at times pales in comparison to the final few moments of the show.

without going into plot details im sure will bore you… the episode climaxes on the roof of a highrise with the father threatening the life, the very essence, of our main characters boss/friend. the boss/friend character had a very colorful past and although he was now good… the father couldnt see past the well, past.

so you’re left with the obligatory standoff – father and son pointing guns at each other…

and just as obligatory, our main characters love interest walks into the scene at the most inoportune of times. sensing only danger for the boss/friend character, she doesnt worry about her life.

as things come to a peak, the son is able to remove the ‘weapon’ from his fathers hands. not the gun mind you… the weapon.

this, frees the boss/friend character from any threat.

during the final exchange of father-son words, the father turns the gun on sons love interest. again, very obligatory.

so i find myself sitting here knowing that there is gonna be some sort of fight scene. some form of violent confrontation between father and son. up to now, it had only been words. but that was going to change in moments.

or so i thought.

the moment… the very second the father turns his gun towards the love interest… muttering something about threating someone his son truly cares about…


bam, bam bam bam bam bam…. bam bam bam

without hesitating, our main character EMPTIES the entire 9 round clip into his father. shooting him until he hits the ground.

i sat there stunned. not because of the incredible plot twist… but because of what it said to me.

this son, destroyed his father to save the one he loved.

this son… gave up a huge part of his life for a woman who he hasnt even been totally honest with about his feelings…

without hesitation…. his life changed forever.

without hesitation.

im struck again… sitting here in my darkened apartment…. lost within my thoughts… within my heart.

i should be the one who chooses to do what i know is right… without hesitation. i should be the one preparing my heart for Him. for His presence. for His life. for His purity.

i should be ready to change my life… for the One i love… without hesitation

Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You are the one….

for tonite… thats the sum of my thoughts.

and they arent even mine.

i simply heard them. and they connected with me.

connected…

thats my hearts cry…

my heart…

i want my heart reconnected to my Saviour

im gonna be a history maker in this land
im gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
im gonna stand
im gonna run
into Your arms
into Your arms again….

You’ve carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. And I, I know you didn’t ask for this, but… you do it every day. And so, you wanted out for one second. So what?”

-willow

so maybe the whole “high school” tag doesnt fit. but its a truthful statement none the less. and at times… it simply screams the way i feel.

tonite? not so much.. last nite – for no apparent reason….. for a split second in time, i thought about it… i thought, about quitting….

not suicide or anything… just simply quiting everything i believe in. walking away from everything ive fought so hard for.

i found myself -in a narrow second of time- questioning almost everything.

was it all worth it? was everything ive lost…. and even, the things ive gained… worth it all?

i guess i find myself… in a sense anyway… standing at a stove. looking at the “pan” of my life thats been sitting on the flame… the pan is searing hot and for the longest time, my hand was being forcefully held to the handle of the pan… i had no choice but to go through the fire. no choice but to feel the pain. no choice but to be burned… scarred… and ultimately…

changed.

circumstances will at times force you to adapt or die. and for a long time, thats what i had to do…. to survive. i had to adapt. i had to change. everything. all at once. and sunddenly… its no longer the force of circumstance that is holding my hand to the fire. suddenly…. there is no force… keeping my hand there.

all of a sudden, its now my choice…

do i want to live the life that requires of me to hold my hand to the flame? sacarifce my flesh? and, quite possibly, be scarred even more?

do i want to accept the pain… and submit myself to a higher power? a power that will never force my hand in the fire…

but a still, small force that called abraham to sacrafice his only son… a force that sent His own son to die…. to bring me to Himself?

will i submit to more pain….

will i allow myself…. to be changed again?

thats it isnt it?

will i

change?

change.

it is coming.

in actuallity…it is here.

here is to embracing changes.

to uncovering diamonds that you simply never saw among the coals…

and to risk.

to risking it all. to putting it all out on the line. to being 100% gut level real.

to saying –

take it or leave it. this is me. ive got nothing more to offer. but i can promise to love you with all i am.

to those who are saying that already – i say continue to press on…

and to those, like myself, finding themselves on the brink of change…. my hearts cry… my passion… is this.

dont hold back.

i would like to post tonite.
to pour out my soul… to bare it all and just be real…

but tonite…

tonite i cant.

because honestly, for the first time in my life…. im beginning to question my feelings.

im beginning to wonder if what im feeling is real.

and if so, is it right?

all i know is that ive never felt this way before. and its terrifying.

so, for tonite… i leave you with this.

Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden. it will stir. open its jaws and howl. it speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all. and we obey. what other choice do we have? passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. it hurts sometimes more than we can bear. if we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. but we would be hollow. empty rooms, shuttered and dark… without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you’re never ready for big moments. No one asked for their life to change, not really, but it does. So what are we helpless, puppets? No, the big moments are going to come, you can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you really are. You’ll see what I mean.
-whistler

its coming.
i dont know when.
i dont know what…

but war is coming.

it takes more courage to suffer than to die….

bring it on.

what kind of world do we live in when the most relevant people in our lives are those few souls scattered throughout the land of entertainment who – due to a staff of good writers and producers – actually exude a persona that relates to me?i realized something tonite… with the help of a friend.

its not the trust that i miss (although thats a huge part)… its not the closeness (again – a big part)… its not even the caesar salad…
its the bond. the bond with my family. my mom and dad… my sisters… close friends.

it’s being able to pick their tomatoes cause u know they don’t like em in their salad

its looking at them when they walk in a room and knowing every dertail of how their day went by how they looked at you.

its looking into there eyes and knowing you can see the very depth of who they are… and knowing they see you too.

its knowing that someone, somewhere, in this crazy world actually thinks you’re valuable… and…

it’s belonging in someone’s life so much……… that their life is a mirror of yours even though you’re doing something totally different.

and if they were stuck on a desert island for the rest of their life… and they could only bring one person… maybe… just maybe, they’d pick you.

its knowing that you matter to someone.

its been – what seems like – forever. hasn’t it?since i last was able to blog anything of signifigance.

change is coming. i dont know what else to say.
but its coming.

and im either going to be ready…

or im going to be run over.

either way – change is coming.

the end aproaches. 6 hours 14 minutes from now, will begin the end of a 7 year era.words seem so… inadequate to share the way i feel. but they are all i have.

so here goes.

thank you.
for fighting for what was right.
for facing your mistakes.
for doing what you had to, even though you lost all you ever loved.
for dealing with demons
both yours and the worlds.
for being a hero.

and… for the simple fact that no matter what – you always got up, and kept going.

thank you.

i’ve been on the verge of tears all evening long. so, i am going to revert to posting my song for the nite, and just leave it at that…

spend all your time waiting for that second chance. for a break that would make it ‘ok’. theres always some reason to not feel not good enough and its hard at the end of the day. i need some distraction. oh, beautiful release. memories seep through my veins. let me be empty…oh weightless and maybe, we’ll find some peace tonite…

 

in the arms of the angel

fly away from here
from this dark, cold hotel room
and the endlesness that you feel.
you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie.
you’re in the arms of an angle, may you find some comfort here.

history

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