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i didnt realize it until just a few days ago, but on february 15 my blog turned 8 (happy birthday blog!).  8 years.  wow.

when i started out on this journey, one of the first things i said was that i wanted it to be real.  i didnt want to pull punches or hide behind shoddily constructed white-washed walls.  i’ll admit that since that time, some posts havent been the most positive.  even recently i know you’ve seen me struggle.  hopefully, the struggle means ive been confronting things in my life.  things i’ve dealt with for years but i’ve never actually overcome.

and honestly, as i move forward, and as i face these demons once and for all, i cannot promise that future postings will be happy and full of cheer.  life isnt like that.  life isnt full of fluff and cotton candy.  life is hard.  it was meant to be.  and the more i live it, the more i realize that there are things, people, worth fighting for.  that there are dreams i desperately want to see come to pass.  that there are people i care deeply about.  people i will fight for.  people i’ll put it all on the line, come hell or high-water, is that all you’ve got, fight for.

the more i live this life, the more i realize that it’s through the hardships that we come to understand true worth, that we come to realize how deep real beauty lies.  that its in fighting through the crashing waves that we realize how important our next breath is.  and its when we’ve seen how much depravity exists, that our eyes understand how much grace we’ve been shown.

it’s only in the darkest of our days that the we understand how important light is.

i think the most important thing i’ve learned thus far, on this journey, is that we shouldnt run from our hardships.  because it’s in the midst of whatever it is we’re walking through, that we so often find what we never knew we needed.

my mp3 player is always on random.  and with 30 gigs of music to chose from, it really is random.  most times, i dont really focus on what’s playing as it’s really just something to help me focus at work.  earlier this morning, this song came on.  and although i purchased the album some time ago, this was the first time ive actually listened  this song.  since then, it’s been on repeat.  why?  because i needed to hear it.

and if you’re at all like me, then you need to hear it too.

i cannot promise that life will be easy when you wake up tomorrow.  but if you stick with it, and deal with what you need to deal with, it will be beautiful.  it will.
Fee – Arms That Hold The Universe

i know it seems like this could be
the darkest day you’ve known
but believe you me, the God of strength
will never let you go
He will overcome, i know

and the arms that hold the universe
are holding you tonight
you can rest inside
it’s gonna be alright
and the voice that calmed the raging sea
is calling you His child
so be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

through many dangers, toils and snares
you have already come
but His grace has brought you safe this far
and His grace will lead you home

and the arms that hold the universe
are holding you tonight
you can rest inside
it’s gonna be alright
and the voice that calmed the raging sea
is calling you His child
so be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

you can hope, you can rise|
you can stand
He’s still got the whole world
in his Hands

i owe an apology.  ive been hiding behind something over the past few months.  i became so concerned with wowing you with my posts that i lost the rawness that made this blog what it once was.

i promised myself, almost 5 years ago, that this blog would be a reflection of who i am.  imperfect, improper, sometimes hard to understand but in that, a reflection of who i am.  maybe even a reflection of who we all are.

i want that back.

i dont exactly know where this is headed. other than to say ive come across to many coincidences for this to be well, coincidence.

its september 10th. its been 5 years since the world shook. since my world began to crumble. and the road to texas started to form. 5 years of so many changes. of so much pain, and so much learning.

and to tell you the truth, in some ways, i miss the pain. the searing heat of knowing you were changing. of knowing that you had to survive. of knowing that this was it, this was your defining moment. this was the time in your life when you became the next phase of whoever you were going to be.

god knows i want that again. i want to move into whatever it is i am supposed to be. i want to feel the heat of the fire, see the dead in me burn in the flames, and see new growth rise from the ashes.

i want to lose sleep, be uncomfortable, look weird, act strange and be thought of as a freak from “normal” christians.

i want more of God. and i want to want Him even more. i dont want the highlight of my week to be something ‘fun’. i want encounters. i want revival, regeneration. i want passion and fire and hope and dreams and words of prophecy. i want life changing fire in my soul. and i want to want this more.

::deep sigh::

i spent a portion of today cleaning up the blog. beginning with the archives (oldest first) and working my way towards the present i hope to categorize, and in some cases repair the titles of my old postings. im not making any content changes. just cleaning up. sometime long ago i unfortunately lost the titles to a number of my postings from 2003-2004. its a bummer, but its actually blessing me as i know have to reread posts ive not read in years to try and title them again.

which brings me to my next point. lipstick. well, lipgloss to be more precise.

i found your lipstick earlier this week. covergirl 014b. “hint of pink”. it was in the pocket of a sportcoat ive not worn in a long time. one of the last times i wore it, i was at the country club, for a company dinner. with you.

maybe im seeing something here were there isnt anything other than random coincidences. but i felt the need to say something to you. heck, i dont even know if you read my blog anymore. but either way…

i miss you. i know, im shocked too. i honestly am. and im not saying “lets start talking” or anything like that, im simply admitting that you were a tremendous blessing in my life. a wonderful friend and yes, i do miss you.

i hope you’ve found happiness. i hope you’re learning daily how amazing the love of the Father is towards you. and i hope above all else, that you’re eyes remain steadfast on the One who will never leave you or forsake you. you deserve the best that this life has. and i pray you receive it.

september 11 is 4 minutes away. and for a lot of the nation, it will be a day of remembrance. a day full of moments of silence, of remembering and mourning for those lost. i can still remember what i ordered for lunch that day. and beyond that, i remember those whom i had lunch with.

may this week remind us that there is a time to remember and a time to mourn. and that death can come for anyone at anytime. but most importantly, may we be reminded of the things, the people both past and present, that made us alive. may we be reminded that there is still hope, that the One is still one the throne and may we always remember that life will rise from the ashes.

part of this, this life, is simply finding the courage to dream. and as a small step towards that goal, changes had to be made.

my new blog.

the old is gone
the new has come.

it seems that my comments decided to take a vacation and quit working. thanks to kate for letting me know:). all should be fixed!

sorry everyone,

it seems I had an issue with the comments. that should be resloved now. thanks!

if you’re a regular reader to my blog you’ve noticed it going through some transformations. those changes have been reflective of my own life. of things changing. growing. dieing. blossiming.

im beginning to realize that just as much as life changes; our viewpoint, our ability to see, our eyes – so to speak – are opened more. and because of both of these things we see new things.

i am a firm believer that change begins in the small things. the unnoticed things, the things that most dont see. i believe that in paying attention to the small things, the overlooked things, the “im too busy to notice” things, we find life. and in doing so, in finding life, we find ourselves.

welcome to my life. the small things, the big things and everything in between. this isnt a diary so much as it is a part of who i am. an expression of the things that would go unsaid. this is me, playing with a thunderstorm.

if you could, pray for my family this weekend and all those in texas and louisianna. rita is headed there this weekend. id be there helpin them get ready but unfortunately, work has me in michigan for two weeks on a last minute business trip.

also, beebs – somehow in the transition to the new blog format, i lost a link to yours. that will be remidied. sorry!

thanks for the prayers!

in response to the above question….*
the answer is no.

or, more clearly

no, not yet.

but i will be.

(when this blog was titled “am i who i want to be?”)

two quick things…
for some reason, even tho people are posting to comments – it isnt changing showing it on the main page.
to tony and tommy, thanks for the encouragement!

and now… ::drumroll::

you can email me directly!

feel free to contact me at


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