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everything by lifehouse has been one of those songs that even 7 years after i first heard it, is still amazing.

well, check out this video. it’s a human-drama set to everything. i dont know who did it, but its worth watching.  very worth watching.

there is hope.

things need to change.

they need to change in my life. and they need to change in my generation. i know im not the only one. the only one crying out for hope. the only one putting on a brave face. the only one working the 8-5 and just hoping that, well, hope will come if we just work harder. that if we just get that bonus, or this promotion, we’ll finally be happy.

i cannot be the only one unhappy. unfulfilled. wondering. wounded and searching.

i cant be.

because i believe that in each of us, exists a need for hope. a need to believe in something more. a need, a desire, an emptiness that makes itself known when hope is missing.

we were made to hope.

ive been pondering for months now starting another blog. everyone is familiar with postsecret. you can check them out here. they serve a tremendous need. the need for people to get secrets off their chest. i love that website. i love that idea.

i need a place like that. a place i can go where i can be real. real with my struggles, real with my weaknesses and my scars. and i find healing. i find that im not alone.

i find hope.

a website that would allow anyone to post. anyone who had found hope. or anyone who was still searching.

requests for prayer, cries for help… or whispers of there is hope. keep going. there is hope.

whispers of hope.

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as a precursor to my blog tonite… i read relevants article

speaking of phone calls to make. i have one or two of my own.

i dont know if id consider myself on the ‘outs’ with a friend. but things arent exactly peachy. that i know for sure. its amazing how quickly things can change in any relationship. in the matter of a moment, a relationship – and even – ones whole life… can be permanently changed.

i dont know. maybe im not being as teachable as i can be. maybe my servants heart hasnt shown through enough. maybe i got tired. maybe… maybe im just losing the sense of trust i had in almost everything. maybe im going completely crazy. i dont know.

they say im supposed to trust the One who keeps the stars in the heavens and tells the tide when to come in… and when to go out. they say the One who has the whole world in His hands is worth my trust. they say that if we believe in Him, we can move mountains. they say He is worth us trusting Him with our very lives. they say it…. im struggling with it.

they say He’s trustworthy. i say – i want proof. i want to know why. why my family is falling apart? why am i 1700 miles away from them? why cant everything be normal and ok again? why is my sister fighting for her life?

trust? why is everything i EVER trusted falling to pieces in front of me…


and dont…dont you DARE give me some ‘christianese’ answer. if you aren’t walking in my shoes then shut the heck up…..

im not perfect. im not claiming to be. but i am moving on.

maybe i do need to be making that phone call. maybe i should be on my knees first.

i dunno…. but there is only one way to find out.

i just read this a moment ago. its cut from an article from Relevant Magazine. the link directly to the article is posted below…….Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be ‘real. I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what ‘God’s doing’ in someone’s life or how ‘awesome’ someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart.….

read the full article here

one entire facet of my being can be described in something as small as that.

see – i got this new job. (whoopdeedoo:-)) and its an inside sales consultant job. and they asked me to take a personality test to see exactly what type of person i am. i despise those type of tests. however – the whole of my expierence with them can be summed up in two phrases “internet – stupid”. so i’d never actually had a real one. i walked in very cynical. walked out amazed.

on a scale of 50% being the average persons level of trust (0% being not at all trusting and 100% being very trusting…) i scored 18
that means that 78% of the population on earth is more trusting than i am.

quote for the day (paraphrased)
Every dark cloud has a sliver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it

many thanks to my friends @ for their inspiration
they are the wind beneath my bullet riddled wings:-)

anyway… until the next installment of this life i think im living

i dont trust you….. hehehe

good stuff
check out –


What is the worst thing you have said (or think you COULD say) to your significant other?

a.) You’re not wearing THAT are you?
b.) You look fine.
c.) No… dinner was good… I was just thinking that maybe we could order pizza later. I didn’t mean anything by it, seriously! Okay! FINE! You are the worst cook I have ever met. My body is currently trying to determine the fastest way to get rid of what you referred to as “Macaroni and Cheese”. Are you trying to poison me!?!?!?!?!
d.) You have big and/or smelly feet.
e.) Answer “Yes” when asked: “Have I gained weight?”
f.) I have never said anything wrong because I am perfect. (Translation: I am a liar.)
vote here

relevant magazine
read it


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