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sometimes things are better left alone and other times, we need to crack open the boxes that we so neatly put our past away in, sort through the remains of a life we knew, and clear that space for a box of new memories.

it’s hard work.  it’s dusty, and dirty, and even getting to those boxes sometimes requires a lot of unpacking.  a lot of sorting through junk.  it takes effort to clear space for the good.

and yes, it is much easier to sit on the couch and bury our dreams beneath another pointless tv show, where we can watch someone else do what we’ve always wanted to to.  its easier to keep the closet door shut and live a life void of relationship, void of happiness and any real joy. it’s easier to play our video games, sit behind our laptops, sip our double mocahs and watch life pass us by.

its easier, but its not freeing.

i dont want to pretend that any one persons experience is a carbon copy of another, but i know beyond doubt that we all have boxes hidden away somewhere.  boxes that, when the time is right, we need to pull out.  take apart, deal with, and move on.

as i went through this weekend, reopening boxes closed many years ago, i realized that i was running out of space.  that as humans we have only a finite amount of room to store our memories.  and if we want to create new ones, if we want to replace the pain, the hurt, and the sadness that our past may contain, we need to pull those boxes out of the closet, expose them to the light, sort through their contents, and free up that space for memories anew.

i want to clean out these boxes, deal with the history, once for all, and move on.

i’ve realized this weekend something i am sure i’ll need to be reminded of.  that being – that i live in texas.  and beyond any other goal this year, i want to follow the Call i hear inside my heart.  the Call that has always been there.  the Call of the One who has always been there, even when i doubted.

this Call that draws me towards deeper relationships, to opening my heart and letting people in, to a future that i want to see.

a future of relationship, of joy and happiness.  a future where yes, there will be pain.  but there will be so much more than that.  a future where there is someone who i love passionately.  a future where we experience life, a future of travel and seeing things and living life to the fullest.

and as i sit this weekend and unpack boxes, i know there are many more than i can deal with in one weekend.  but i will deal with them.  i will get through them.

i no longer want to be held back by my past, defined by my mistakes or the mistakes of others.  i want to write my own story, find passion in life and dance.  my god i want to dance.

there is a girl.  and someday, i want to tell her how i feel.

but until that time, i’ll work, i’ll prepare.  i’ll live my life to the fullest i can, and clear the memories of the past for memories of the future.

i will listen to the Call,  live my life, i’ll follow my King, and i will become the man i want to be.

Passion – Awakening
like the rising sun that shines
from the darkness a light
i hear Your voice and this is my
awakening

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i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards.  i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see.  to obtain.  i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is.  what it represents.

my fears.

my fears of being found out.  of letting someone in.  of that someone i let in, finding out.  that im fallible.  and in so many ways, a failure.

ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show.  terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like.  for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.

as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey.  a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect.  a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.

maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal.  maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear.  and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top.  to stand there, amidst the flames.

and watch my fears burn.

The Civil Wars – Poison & Wine

have you ever just stood outside and watched a thunderstorm roll in?  smelled the change in the atmosphere?  you almost sense that the earth knows that something violent, powerful and ultimately cleansing is coming.  something of supreme beauty, and ultimately, danger.

have you ever stood outside and felt the first drops, promising the torrents that will come?

have you ever stood there and felt the temperature plunge?  watched the trees as their peaceful slumber is interrupted and they’re transformed from sleeping beauties into a writhing mass of leaves, branches and wind?

thunderstorms in texas are unlike any storms you’ll find on earth.  jade green clouds, a brisk vibrancy on the wind;  the atmosphere itself is almost electric.  its like all the earth stands still in anticipation.

and a thunderstorm at night?  it can leave you breathless.

i’ve had the benefit of driving through some of the craziest storms we’ve had down here.  and although i find them awesome, make no mistake that the damage they can cause, and the tornado’s they can spawn are nothing to be romanced.  they are dangerous, period.

thunderstorms are a part of life, and in as much as they are dangerous, they are beautiful.  they provide light where there was none.

and if you can imagine standing at the top of a precipice, the sun long set… watching a storm roll in.  when it finally arrives, for the briefest of moments, the darkness of night that swallows you whole is pushed away.  lightning flashes.  and for that moment in time, you can see.  you can see where you are, what’s next, and if you’re high enough, what’s to come.

sometimes, we’re blessed with those moments of vivid clarity for our own lives.  moments when, in the midst of the storm, lightning flashes.  and for that nanosecond, everything is bright.  and in some small way, you’re given peace.  you realize that the world, the mountain youre on, or the valley you’re in, are much larger than you are.  you realize that this storm roiling over your head is beyond your capability to control.  you realize how small you are, and how awesome it is to be alive during this time.

even more rare, is when the storm flashes… and we’re not given a glimpse of our lives, but the life of someone else.  in that moment, the darkness is pushed back and we see how amazing their life is.  we see what’s already passed, and what is to come.  we see their future.  the rolling green hills and the mountains that will need climbing.

in that kairos moment, we’re given a glimpse into the life of someone else.  a glimpse into how the King views this person.  not just as she is, but as she can be, as she will be.  and if we allow ourselves, we accept the burden of knowing.  and of praying.  and of supporting this person.  even if it means from afar.

because we realize that we weren’t given this gift of vision, to consume on ourselves.  we realize, i realize… that with this glimpse comes the challenge of praying for her.  and trusting that the King who granted such a wonderful glimpse…. will keep her safe.  because in that split second, something was communicated to us that no amount of words could communicate.  value.  you realize that she’s the alluvial diamond.  that this flash of daylight was a glimpse into her future.  into something that is beyond me.  beyond my capability to understand…. both dangerous, and beautiful.  breathtakingly beautiful.

i realize how much these glimpses mean.  because they are roadsigns, gifts from the King, and a sign that i’m not lost.  yes, the storm may be intense, this valley may be deep, or the mountain may seem unclimbable….

but above the storm exists One who looks down… and controls all.

we we’re born with a knowing that there was more to life than a 9-5 job.  it’s in lifes storms that we discover what that calling really is.

it’s a calling of hope, of passion, of sacrifice and pain and heartache.  it’s a calling to live a dangerous life.  and a life filled with a beauty beyond our wildest dreams.

so it is in His hands that i place her future.  just because i was given the gift of lightning doesnt mean i’m to intrude.  it only means that she’s climbing a mountain, or facing a valley… and she needs someone to pray for her.  so i will.

i know i’ve said this before…
but again – it seems that it rings true…

the sound of wind whispering through the brittle color changing leaves…

the sound of change.

the sound of the beginning of what could be… the end.

finally.

For us this is the end of all stories, but for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning chapter one of the great story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever and in which every chapter is better than the one before…

C.S. Lewis

i leave you all tonite with a short post.

but a long overdue praise to my King.

He has lead me this far.

my only prayer – to be willing to be lead through eternity.

history

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