couple of things before i crash.

i stopped by my old place of employment today. first time i’ve done it and actually not literally ran through the place w/out saying hi to anyone. weird – to say the least. definetly weird.
i got this wonderful reception from two of the girls there and the manager on duty acted really cold…..oh well…

moving quickly along… lets revive something i havent done in quite a few nites….
todays “word of the day” – is brought to you by paper shredders – protecting enrons future for 2 years:-)
our word of the day is “loneliness
my personal friend Mr Webster describes “loneliness” as:
1 a : being without company : LONE b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

ive come to the conclusion.. or actually, the realization – that ive lived the past 5 months desperate for someone to ‘miss’ me when i wasnt around. i was lonely. simply – lonely.

ive realized that a certain formerly close friendship that is now much less intimate, was a major player in my emotional life. i lived – so to speak – for the simple fact that this specific person “missed” me when i wasnt around. and i honestly, didnt even realize it. i craved the attention i would get… and i would ignore the obvious truth that this relationship was extremely unhealthy. i loved – outright loved – that i was missed. that someone – noticed when i left… and when i came “home”. i loved being needed. friendships, even this one, had many redeeming qualities. but, our responsiblity as friends – is to enjoy the redeeming qualities, while doing all we can to change the negative ones. i did to much enjoying, and not enough changing….

so, ive made a concious choice to not live the rest of -this life i think im living- making ANY choices based on any feelings of loneliness i may have. i didnt even realize what i was doing and i ended up risking so much.

i never thought that i was succeptible to such a basic urge.. to simply “be” with someone. i thought i was stronger than that… honestly.. i never even worried about it.

loneliness causes self pity. and we will do lots of stupid things when we feel sorry for ourselves… we’ll do basically anything to feel loved, cherrished, special, irreplaceable… adequate.

for 21 years of my life – every time i walked through the doors to my house – i had all those things. now i dont. and now i realize i cant search for those things.

armed with this relization – its time to war. its time to, in essence… walk out.. what ive learned. something else i need to let go of. something else, thats imbedded in my heart that i know needs to be burned out.

if, for nothing more.. than because “He who does not learn from the past is destined to repeat it”.

i am so so sorry. for all that ive done.