it is strange. very very strange. the human heart that is. and the things it attaches itself to.i just finnished a conversation with a good friend of mine. we were discussing my interesting and rather odd connection to a tv show character. ive only seen the show a few times. and heck, id probably hear no end to the mocking of this. but who gives a crap. ive got no time to pay attention to mindless mocking. anyway…

the tv character? buffy – from buffy the vampire slayer.

odd… i know. and i dont understand why my heart breaks everytime i watch the show. i dont. but it does.

buffy… she is chosen to live in a world where she can be close to no one. where she looks and acts like a normal person, but because of forces beyond her control – shes forced to live as one destined to be different. one who… one who knows she has a tremendous destiny yet… she is one who walks it…. alone.

she doesnt understand why she is the way she is. she doesnt understand why she cares so much… or why it hurts so much. she doesnt understand why the one person she ever truly loved in her life was ripped from her grasp. she doesnt understand why she has to walk this road. and she doesnt understand why she has to face the demons she has to. she doesnt know…. and it tears her apart.

her destiny is unlike anyone else she knows. and she understands that much. she lives constantly knowing that at any moment her life could change instantly. knowing that those closest to her could be ripped away. she knows this because it is her reality. its the “cross” she has to bear. its the life shes been chosen to live.

strange huh? i gleaned this much off of a tv character ? maybe its not strange. maybe its because… in this world of instant everything. of the desire to be beautiful and ‘fit in’. of the overwhelming push from the media to be ‘popular’…. maybe in this world – buffy stands for those who know they will never “fit in”. she stands for those who live in such a way that – what you see is what you get. she has no more preconceived notions of who she is… or of whom she is supposed to be. or of her role in this life. she knows she will never be normal. any dreams she may have had have long since died. she knows she cant put anything before the road she has to walk. she has no strength to do anything but keep going. and in her heart of hearts – all she wants… all that keeps her awake at nite…. the only reason she keeps going… is that one perfect person… who she hopes… and prays… that she finds one day. in her heart of hearts… she longs to be loved and accepted solely for who she is.

maybe its so close to who i am its scary.

i dont know why im here. i dont know why ive been chosen to carry this specific cross. and ive no more dreams. ive the strength to put one more foot down. thats all. after that, hopefully another foot. but this is it. this is me. what you see – what you read – is what you get. ive no preconceived notions of who i am. no grandoise ideas of my role in this life. i have a destiny and its unlike any other. this is the road im destined to walk. this is the life i think im living. this is my gift… and my curse.

this – is me.

Advertisements