its odd really, because this question has never dogged me so much. ever. i wish i knew what kept drawing me back to it.
what is this question?

the one i find myself thinking about more than mt. dew? more than starbucks?
in all honesty – the question is one word. with major ramifications.

“who”

who is it that i will be waking up next to for the rest of my life? whos feet am i going to get the privilege of rubbing every nite when we relax on the couch? who is going to be there for me when my life falls apart? and who will be the one who gives me the precious gift of their trust when their life comes crashing down? who will be the gift that i get to spend the rest of my life with?

“who”

and oh my stinkin – if i knew why i kept thinking about this. i dont want to think about it. the thought of a serious relationship scares the heck outta me. litterally. i have commitment issues and i KNOW i do. ive got no problems announcing it. i know im no where near ready for an earth-moving relationship like that. i know im not anywhere near in the place where i could be any one of the things that she would need.

but i cant stop thinking about it.

not about any person i know.

but about “her”. whomever she may be.

ive dreamed at least once about “her” in the past week. which – for me – is incredible. i only remember at most maybe 3-4 dreams a year. i dont know “who” she is. and that isnt whats bothering me.

its that i cant stop thinking about her…. thats what bothers me.

well – i wont change anything tonite.

so i leave you with a quote from the tv show that most impacted my teen years –

“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere… somehow… there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us.”

and this life i think im living continues…. as for me? time for bed.

goodnite