all i keep hearing… over and over again – is “final”. or any spin on that idea…
the end
last…

etc.

i dont know why.

i dont know why i feel like ive lived the past few weeks on a very superficial level. shallow. what am i avoiding? maybe i am avoiding something. maybe its nothing tangible. maybe its that the ‘holiday season’ was marked as having officially begun yesterday. maybe its that im afraid that if i dig to any depth, that im going to uncover more. that more will come to light and another part of my soul will be lost.

maybe its that ive lost myself trying to find something to hide behind.

and maybe its just that nothing major has happened. and that ive forgotten what its like to live… and not have to fight for every breath. its scary. because, as much as i want to cling to the hope that this is finally coming to a close… its not. i cant cling to that hope…

my very being aches for the dream of closure… of the “end”. of the grand finale. but its not here yet…

“the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. be brave. live. for Me.”

thats it… thats me… for tonite. if i could wrap this year into a nutshell, it would be contained in the wholeness of that quote.

im so trying, to live… and not for myself…. but for the one who brought me this far.

and all i want, is to drop to my knees and cry…

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