its amazing how many things i realize only in the context of explaining that ‘thing’ to someone, why on earth was i NOT notified of my mother having my father sign papers? i mean… come on.

how am i supposed to feel if i wasnt told of anything until AFTER the decision had been made for me?

what decision? oh yeah… my father is now NEVER allowed back in new york.


my father is never allowed back home.

my mother made this decision… and i was not told until afterwards… its not like i would have argued or fought the choice, but come on. im 23 years old…

im old enough to be on my own. have my own apartment. to pick up the shattered remains of our house and get it in shape to be sold. im old enough to have handled more than most 23 year olds but im not old enough to have been told about something that will directly impact the rest of my life?

how was i supposed to feel? im not sure.

but ill tell you how i do feel. betrayed. hurt. and suddenly… very very worthless.

how much value is placed on how im feeling through all of this, if i wasnt even valued enough to be told of it before it happened?

all of this hit me, in a single moment. while, in explaining to a friend how i was feeling, i let a sentence trail off. and in the silence following…

the truth began to scream.