You’ve carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. And I, I know you didn’t ask for this, but… you do it every day. And so, you wanted out for one second. So what?”

-willow

so maybe the whole “high school” tag doesnt fit. but its a truthful statement none the less. and at times… it simply screams the way i feel.

tonite? not so much.. last nite – for no apparent reason….. for a split second in time, i thought about it… i thought, about quitting….

not suicide or anything… just simply quiting everything i believe in. walking away from everything ive fought so hard for.

i found myself -in a narrow second of time- questioning almost everything.

was it all worth it? was everything ive lost…. and even, the things ive gained… worth it all?

i guess i find myself… in a sense anyway… standing at a stove. looking at the “pan” of my life thats been sitting on the flame… the pan is searing hot and for the longest time, my hand was being forcefully held to the handle of the pan… i had no choice but to go through the fire. no choice but to feel the pain. no choice but to be burned… scarred… and ultimately…

changed.

circumstances will at times force you to adapt or die. and for a long time, thats what i had to do…. to survive. i had to adapt. i had to change. everything. all at once. and sunddenly… its no longer the force of circumstance that is holding my hand to the fire. suddenly…. there is no force… keeping my hand there.

all of a sudden, its now my choice…

do i want to live the life that requires of me to hold my hand to the flame? sacarifce my flesh? and, quite possibly, be scarred even more?

do i want to accept the pain… and submit myself to a higher power? a power that will never force my hand in the fire…

but a still, small force that called abraham to sacrafice his only son… a force that sent His own son to die…. to bring me to Himself?

will i submit to more pain….

will i allow myself…. to be changed again?

thats it isnt it?

will i

change?

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