and its looking more and more like ill end up coming very close to the year mark.

the last time i saw my mom was january 13, 2003. and chances are, i may not be going down there until the second or third week in january 2004.

1 whole year.

have you ever looked back on something, and – realizing that you actually completed it – are caught off guard because you honestly wish you didnt know what you now are aware of? you wish that you didnt know that you could handle what was thrown your way?

ive been in ny now, on my own more or less (thank you God for being with me) for more than 2 years. and im suddenly being hit with something i wasnt expecting…

its not regret. dont get me wrong, id give anything to see my mom for christmas. absolutely anything…. but its not regret. im beginning to feel the burden of being the ‘man’ in the family.

i guess i shouldnt be surprised by this feeling. but honestly, i am. i mean, its been more than 2 years since dad left. ya think i would have run into this much earlier.

why now?

because….

its official. sarah (sister #1) has a boyfriend. not just a “boyfriend”. this would constitute her very first ‘adult’ relationship. and i cant give the obligatory “touch her and ill rip your eyes out of the back of your head, cook them, and feed them to you” speach to the lucky guy.

and bethany is having car issues. its weird. i realize i know next to nothing about fixing cars… i mean, i can change the oil, check fluid levels, change a tire… etc… but im not there.

and thats the thing.

these are the moments where DAD is supposed to be nothing more than a phone call away. that way, no matter what happens… flat tire, bad date… whatever… they would be ok. because dad would be there.

but he’s not.

and neither am i.

should i be? does anyone happen to know what role i should be playing right now?

seems to be a question im asking myself a lot right now. and for more reasons, more situations, than just the family.

anyway, to bring to a close my opening thoughts…

maybe life is more than the sum of our expierences. im hoping that thats the case.