so this week will ultimately force me to face my fears…. or, do what ive realized ive been doing for the past 2 years. which is, to run from them.

i must let my apartment people know wether or not i wish to renew my lease for another year by march 15. next week monday. the choice on the other side of things… is moving down to be with my family. both options have definite high points. and there isnt any option that i dont want.

i talked with my mom tonite. and i – faced my fear – and asked if she would hate me if i chose, or thought that i should remain in new york for another year…. she said of course she wouldnt hate me. and abruptly ended the conversation.

my heart wants to think that its because the thought of me staying here another year is painful. even if it is the best thing for me. but what my heart tells me… is that im running the risk of the fate my father faced. banishment.

i know, its innane to think that way. ive not done the heinous things my father has. but when it all comes down to it, what i hear… what i see… is that my dad didnt do what mom wanted. so dad left. and never is allowed back.

so yeah. that, would be one of the most overwhelming fears ive carried the past two years. and i know that i carry pieces of it into other aspects of my life. friendships. relationships. work relationships. my work ethic. the fact that i keep my apartment immaculately clean.

its as if im somehow trying to reverse the course of the past 2 years by simply being the best me i can be. like i can somehow turn back time. and if i was just a better person, if i just listened more, if i just loved my sisters more, if i just… if i hadnt failed… then they would come back.

they would come back. we would be a family. and the world would be good.

but thats it isnt it? the fear i face? did i fail? could i have done something, anything… to have stopped what happened before it started?

ive spent the last 2 years here in new york litterally running from situations, people and memories that would force me to consider these fears. and where has it gotten me? no where. absolutely no where.

so now with less than a week to go, im forcing myself to look these fears square in the face. i need to do this. or im simply doomed to repeat the last two years.

i look back, and i see all the chances i never took, all the risks i never accepted… and all that i have to show for my paranoia? unhealed scars.

but that doenst answer the question does it? where is home? will i ever measure up for what i feel my mom needs? am i supposed to be in new york? am i supposed to be in texas? what is my role?

i dont really know how to close this post. because i wasnt honestly sure how it was going to turn out. so ill just let it go here. and wish you all a good nite.

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