“maybe its just me, but from personal expierence, im begining to learn that our victories in life will be less the “woohoo lets party” type… and more the “personal introspective” type.

again, maybe its just me. but the last i checked, you didnt get a party for surviving the fire. at least, not on this earth”

from a conversation earlier tonite regarding life. and living it while simply being “ok”.

which, would be the one word i’d have to use to describe myself today. “ok”.

today was my saturday. the first day of my weekend. and i woke up not feeling my chipper self. i missed skip. it was a ‘saturday’ and it was one of the first ‘saturdays’ of my new schedule and skip wasnt here to go to walmart with.

i still did go to walmart, and target actually. i went with my sister. didnt spend a penny, but i went anyway. maybe it was for old times sake. maybe it was because i needed to get out and simply do something. maybe it was because walmart and target are what we always did on our weekends.

beth (sister #2) kept asking if i was ok. i was tryin hard to be that way, but i felt incomplete. i wasnt feelin ok. and it had nothing to do with what i had or hadnt eaten.

sometimes throughout my day i simply feel lost without you.

but in the slightly bigger picture, i think its more than just that. im lonely. plain and simple. if my sister wasnt home today, i would have spent my saturday alone. its that simple. making friends in a new state when youre family is already well adjusted and your not… well, its not easy.

maybe im complaining too much. im not sure.

i guess maybe, im just realizing that there isnt going to be fanfare. no blue, silk lined isles for me to walk down while the notes of pomp and circumstance flitter through the air. no graduations ceremonies, no medals or awards to hang on the wall. nothing physical to show for how much ive learned, how much “school” ive been through the past 3 years.

heck, im not even sure why im thinking about this now.

it seems ive spent the last 2 months trying to delve into escapes from reality. there have been times when ive cut phonecalls from ny short, simply because talking with friends from up there, hearing how their days went, simple stuff like that… simply reminds me of how much i miss them. how much i miss skip. and that no matter how well it seems im doing here, it hurts.

i know, i came here to be with the family. and i am. and its great. im already looking forward to christmas and thanksgiving with them. but family cant fill every need you have. especially when the things you enjoy in life, and sometimes the things you feel most passionate about – those things that are kept close to your heart, are looked at with shock and slight disdain… you need someone in your life you can be real with.

just, be yourself. get a drink. watch buffy. laugh. cry. live.

which i guess should bring me to a close tonite.

ill leave you with this.

“Dawn, listen to me. listen. I love you. I will *Always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… it to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me. ”