i miss rochester.

so much.

i found myself watching the series finale of a tv show earlier tonite. and in all honesty, i dont think it would have mattered what show it was. what mattered, was that they were saying goodbye. it was the end.

and it hurt to watch that.

on the one hand, i craved feeling the pain. because it meant i was at least beginning to move towards creating a ‘life’ down here. on the other hand, it was amazing how quickly i tried to distract myself with anything that i possibly could. food, movies, tv… anything. anything at all to get my mind off of how much it hurts.

i cried. the series finale of boy meets world had me in tears.

::sigh:: i dont get it.

i try not to question the circumstances of the past 3 years. i try not to figure out, to reason away why it is that if im here, im not near my closest friends… but if im there, im not near my family.

both suck. horribly.

ive withheld from myself all things that pertain to actually having a “life” down here. ive declined chances to try out churches… ive made zero attempts to make friends… im living alone right now. why? simple… its because i scared of losing all i had in new york. friendships, skipper, my connections, reputation, my home church, all of it. it almost feels like if i push through myself and work towards building a life down here, im neglecting or even turning my back on who i was. and on my life up north. i dont know how to have two different lives…. and for as long as i can remember, thats the one thing ive always demanded from myself. the ability to be two different people in different situations depending on who was around.

yeah, thats right… me… mr “dont waste my time unless youre going to be real with me” is seriously struggling with being real with himself.

to be honest, i dont know myself right now. i dont know why im down here, or more precisely, im not happy with the speed at which my goals for being down here are progressing… im scared. in laymens terms, thats basically it.

for the longest time up north, i had to choose daily and sometimes moment by moment to be happy, to live, to have a life apart from all i’d ever known. and now im finding myself basically having to do the same thing. but this time, im beginning to ask why i feel like im deserting my life in new york if i allow myself a life down here.

ive wrapped myself in the blanket of the fairy tale, all is well, happily ever after ending for my young adult hood. life was supposed to mimic the tv shows i lost myself in… and, its not.

there isnt a happily ever after… sadly, there isnt even a series finale where i can at least know that all will work out… even if after so many seasons in prime time, not all things were easy.

what am i asking for? in a word – hope. hope that this isnt all there is. hope that life will get better. and easier. and, although ill cry, my tears will oneday give way to joy. and that im 1700 miles from new york for a reason right now. and that… ultimately, i would learn to trust Him even moreso. that id become childlike… that my heart wouldnt hurt anymore… and that my family would be able to truly learn to live again.