realizations come at the oddest times. and sometimes the most inopportune.

last nite i was headed to applebees. dads birthday. and i was the only family member doing anything about it. at least, here in texas. however, thats not my main point.

i had just left the house not 3 minutes prior, and the subject of my blog from 9.9.04 flashed across my mind. you can read it here.

i was a bit surprised at how quickly my mind made this connection. i mean, its no secret that im not at all fond of my dad in a lot of ways… and if you took a moment to read the link noted previously, even hate the man. but what hit me so suddenly made me want to turn the car around and never go back. i nearly did.

so maybe it wasnt so much a “realization” as it was a question that flashed through my mind like the “hollywood” sign in cali.

maybe you hate your dad so much because he reminds you… of you.

woah.

where the hell is the brake pedal?

why am i still driving?

where did that come from?

those were some of my thoughts. the ones i can remember at least.

could it be true? could the very things i hate about my father be alive and residing in my life?

do i hate him because i see so much of myself… of my mistakes in his life?

i mean, by the time he got talking to me about the dangers of “lust/sex/etc” i was probaly 16. and was fully aware of playboy and other pornography. and had easy access to it. come on… maybe that would have helped when i was 12… but 16?

thats right around the time i learned about the fact that he was married once before, while he was in his early 20s. in vietnam… to some vietnamese chick. and that he hinted at the possiblity i may have a half-sibling. a fact im almost sure the rest of the family know nothing about.

his timing in my life was never perfect. i was close to 15 when he finally reailzed i was growing up and he put some half hearted attempts into “having a relationship” with me. that boiled down to him trying to get me interetsed in playing catch. i hated baseball. still do.

::pant pant pant::

ok, a slight rant there. im sorry.

not totally off topic though.

i mean, with just a few minor adjustments and different decisions in my life, and the above story… at least the part about being married at like 21 – could have been true. now she wouldnt have been vietnamese, but still… im 24 now, could i be divorced like he was at 24?

my hate stems not only from what he’s done… and his refusal to accept the circumstances now, but also because of whats going to continue to happen. because he refuses to change. and he just turned 56 and come on.. how many more years can a 56 year old man work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week driving truck?

my fears recently have begun to focus on how much longer it will be until i have to burry him… and will i be the only one who attends his funeral? heck, maybe it wont even be some medical condition that does him in. i mean, hey – i was seirously suicidal abotu 2 years ago. and i just made it through… but ive got my family and friends. i know he doesnt have family and im pretty sure he doesnt have friends either.

will he ever be able to retire? will his retirement needs fall on me? will i be able to handle it? and what about mom? she’s 46. what about her needs?

-change of topic-

my father is the ONLY person on this planet that i know of thats gone through something remotely close to what ive been through. his family left. he ended up 1700 miles from home and alone. he wasnt allowed to see (or in my case, unable to see) mom and my sisters for months… he shares more of the same expierences with me than any other person i know. and i hate that.

but to bring this night to a close, and to answer the question that started all of this… yes, i hate my father

simply because he reminds me, of me.