this post is regarding jens decision last nite. and the comments regarding it on aprils blog which can be read here.
its interesting how we watched the exact same show, although i only saw the last hour of the final episode, and ran down completely different thought paths.
not that your thoughts aren’t correct… they most definitely resounded inside of me. my initial knee-jerk reaction wasnt the same as yours. mine dwelt mostly in the realm of fears that i have.
ive thought a lot about love/marriage recently, especially if there is just that “one someone” who is meant for you, or if love is nothing more than two people who decide to give whatever it takes to make it work. so seeing the show simply brought the spotlight back onto those thought processes.
during some time with my mom a few weeks ago she asked me a quesiton. she asked me about a certain someone in my life… and what the plans would be for this person. and even if there were plans.
and my answer went something like this.
“i cant see getting married or involved in a committed relationship because i havent seen one work. all ive seen is how one man (my father) can have such a tremendous destructive impact on so many families. his family, my moms family, and our immediate family. he destroyed so many parts of those families. and he was just one man. why on earth would i want to enter into a relationship that would carry with it the same possibility for destruction that my dad dished out?”
i know… quite a response. and mom didnt have much to say after that. im not sure if she’d never realized it, or just simply was unable to see things the way i did until that moment. or maybe she was trying to decide what to pack for lunch the next day… im not sure. all i know is that my response to her questioning was from the very bottom part of my heart. and encompassed within in all the fears and lack of qualifications that a 25 year old from ny could carry. it was real. it was me.
why would i want to bring someone into my life if they’re only going to end up like my parents? or for that matter, like my mom? and dont tell me it couldnt happen, children of divorcees have a divorce rate themselves of 75%. thats nearly 50% higher than the national average by the way. i never want to treat a woman the way that my mom was treated. she deserves better than that. april deserves better than that. jen deserves better than that.
and its that last and final thought for this morning… that my mom deserves better.. that april deserves better… that jen deserves better… its that thought that rises up within me and screams out a guttural YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jen had the guts to stand up against millions of people and say she wasnt going to settle. she knew she deserved better. she deserved to be treated like a princess not only on first dates and when guys are desiring something… but 10, 20, heck, 50 years into the marriage. a princess is who she is its not just a way she should be treated. its part of the very fiber of her identity. and she is looking for a man who will always be able to see that precious part of who she is.
and it was those thoughts that made me realize how awesome a responsibility marriage will be. how much work ive got ahead of me to be able to be the kind of man that will treat the woman of my dreams….
just like she is the woman of my dreams.
so have i given up hope of a relationship? on a future life with that special someone? no. ive not. i know ive just got a ton of work to do.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
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March 1, 2005 at 3:56 pm
Mateo
Interesting take Rev….Let A-Mack take a hack attack at it (I so need to leave school).
Marriage- a divine joining of two souls that would otherwise roam the Earth alone if not for a chance meeting…..or two people that like each other and give their relationship what it takes to survive…
It’s a combination of both. I do believe that there is a divine aspect of meeting that “someone”. I remember how your eyes lit up when you first saw me as we sat in the hallway at Bethel and you tried to convinve me that Jars of Clay (good luck!). Perhaps the notion of a divine joining is just the plucking of one’s heartstrings once they do find someone so special. It does take a whole lot of work as well. Just having the strength to give it your all sometimes isn’t enough. I had the latter or the two…but, BOY did I lack the first. Personally, I wanted to grow up and I had a list of things that I envisioned myself having or being and that would be a mark showing that I was a grown up.
I finally realized…it’s not up to me….it’s all in God’s time. If somebody’s wondering why it’s taking so long, perhaps God’s teaching you a little patience. In His time, all things will fall into place.
Now, I too have become a bit jaded at the whole marriage idea…even relationships can piss me off…after what I’ve been through. Now even though we’ve been through the nastiness of divorce, and even though our roles in the divorce was much different, it sucks either way. But through pain, there is healing. You are your father’s son. Sure, you have some of his genes and that diribonucleaic acid (duh DNA [i think]). It doesn’t mean that you have the same emotional or moral composition. I’m not here to say what you are and what you’re not, but you are you. You might be your father’s son, but you you Father’s son…catch that? you feeling that? {Mike Peace). You have the wisdom to see ways that your parent’s relationship didn’t work and you see your father’s role in that. You already have a head-start on what you don’t want to be in your marriage.
phew. I’ve said enough. Of course you’ll get married one day. I think you’re pretty sweet too.
p.s.) is that a lead of hettuce? we’re not delirious, we’re in the insyderz!
March 1, 2005 at 11:09 pm
April
If love is like that reality show count me out. If love is the gradual process of knowing someone and being known then count me in.
You have a true heart my friend. And those with true hearts, while being aware of the dangers, will choose to see beyond their fears. Yeah, relationships are imperfect, relationships fail. I am aware of that as well as you, though we would tell our stories in a different way. But you and I both also know that there is more, that there is healing, that there is wholeness and strength beyond what we see.
We have freedom and grace in Christ Jesus. Here’s to finding the courage to walk in it. 🙂
~lots of love~
March 3, 2005 at 9:05 am
kate g
pip, in response to what you said about your dad….
i have said this before too. but you aren’t him. of course you carry parts of him with you and in you, he’s your dad. but you aren’t him. you are you. a strong, sweet, honest, sincere, God-loving man. and you would not treat anyone, that certain someone, or anyone the way your dad has for many reasons, most of which is that you are simply not him.
so although i see that fear, and recognize the fear of marriage and commitment in my own life, we aren’t our parents. we are who we are. God made us who we are and despite the influence of our parents and those around us, we are still not any of those people. you are pip. you are the most perfect pip that there could ever be. and you will be the man you desire to be. i know you will. because you recognize what you don’t want to be.
i know i have many traits of my mom, some of which i truly wish i didn’t have. same thing can be said of my dad. at the end of the day though, i get to decide who i am. ditto for you.
i adore you and want the best for you. and i know, and i know you know it, that God does too. he’s so proud of you and loves you so much. billions times more than i love you. you will be the person that certain someone, whether she is your IT or you have a different certain someone in your life, that she will need. that she will want. that she will be proud of. …
lots of hugs and prayers for my sweet friend. be proud of yourself because you are coming through an incredibly difficult thing, multiple things in fact, and are an amazing man through it all. you are wonderful.
March 3, 2005 at 9:15 am
Inconditus
wow! interesting posting…enjoyed reading a blog like tihs…u r in touch with ur inner feelings!
🙂
http://inconditus-me.blogspot.com/–>
March 3, 2005 at 9:15 am
Ms J
wow! interesting posting…enjoyed reading a blog like tihs…u r in touch with ur inner feelings!
🙂
http://inconditus-me.blogspot.com/–>