sometimes, in our most selfish, if we take just one moment to stop… we realize the depths of depravity we can sink to. and we realize again how much we have to be thankful for.

there have been many changes over recent weeks. some i knew were coming, others caught me offguard. some are good, some have left me reeling and hurting. some were tremendous blessings, others may be blessings in disguise.

but in that, there is a peace. there is a knowing that no matter what changes. no matter the rugs that are ripped from below our feet… no amout of pain or heartache. in the midst of mist, the mist of questions that are unanswered… there is a peace.

a peace in knowing that im not alone through all this. that there is a reedemer. one whos is constantly looking for me. looking out for my best. even when all i can seem to do is find what i want. this one still holds out hope that ill come around and follow what is truly best for me.

nannykate asked me to update my blog. because its been quite a while. i know it has hun. and im sorry. so much has changed even recently, i honestly dont know where to begin. but its so good to hear from you. and i guess you’re part of the reason im blogging right now.

you’ve had more than you fair share of pain. you’re still young and you’ve been through so much. and yet you continue to chose to live. you wake up next to the man you love. you… you live.

and that inspires me.

seeing 7 astronauts entrust there lives to a small white capsule as they hurl themselves into the unknown of space inspires me.

i was listening on the way to work this morning to the countdown for the shuttle… and as they were broadcasting the radio communications from mission control, one of the controllers said something odd…

negative return

discovery had reached the point of negative return. as i quickly learned, that point during liftoff is when; due to speed and altitude, even if something was to go wrong, there is no turning back for the men and women on board.

that was the point of no turning back.

and from inside of me… that rang true.

ive not spent enough time of late listening to that voice. the voice that whipsers that there is more. that there is still sunlight to be felt on my face. that the dust that clouds will disappear. that life is more than this. and that reaching that point of no return, and moving beyond it… is when we truly will expierence life.

imagine it… less than 600 people have ever been in space. less than 600. thats one in 10 million people. less than 600 people have ever reached the point of negative return…

its a risky and dangerous point. there are no guarentess after that point. no promises of safety, or of a safe return (i.e. challenger, columbia). yet they pressed on. they expierenced something that most everyone never will.

they lived.

if you were to ask me if, even after all ive seen, would i be willing to press through negative return… id answer no.

and im ashamed of that.

im sitting here asking myself what happened to the joy? to the excitement of the Christian walk? what happened? where did i leave it? when did i stop pressing forward and become content with the mundane? when did i trade a life of take up your cross and follow me… for the life of take up your day planner and go to work…

what happened to the boy who wanted to see the dead raised? who had dreams and desires of becoming a pastor? what happened?


life will continually make us face moments of negative return. and most of them will never be anywhere near as large as the ones that 7 crew members faced earlier today. most of them will be small and seemingly insignificant. most of them will be easy for us to overlook. they will seem to be small annoyances that snap us out of our mundane lives. they will be the things that will make us late for work, or look weird at school… they will be the times when we chose to swallow who we truly are for the we that we want others to see. they will very rarely be events. they will almost always be somethign we can forget about. but each time we chose to back down, to live a life below the one we are called to live… we take one step farther from our goal of the ultimate negative return. we chip away a little bit more of that dream that keeps the core of who we are, the real us, alive.

these 7 men and women made hundreds of yes decisions when they were preparing for this mission. they answered the call to follow those dreams long ago. and only today were those dreams fulfilled.

deep inside of us is the holy roar that crys out to each of us to break away from the pack. to step into nothingness…..

and maybe… just maybe… just like the astronauts, we will hear the holy roar, the call for something more and learn to fly.