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i saw your name just now. can we say ‘caught offguard’? and wow… ive absolutely no idea how to react.

what did i do?
what did i say?

you’re just, you left. youre gone.

part of me is desperate to find out what on earth i did. part of me wonders if it wasnt something i dont know about, but, just a cumulation of me not being the person i should have been.

but another part of me is quietly whispering to me… its telling me that you’ve repeatedly said i didnt do anything. that i hadnt screwed up. that i know nothing and that therefore its pointless for me to try to apologize.

everyone makes mistakes. and im sorry for those i made.

but im not going to apologize to you anymore. i want to not worry about what happened. i want to not freak out every time i see your name. life goes on. and ive got to go with it.

but i dont want too. i want to sit here. i want to tell you im scared. im worried. im hurt and im lost and im wondering…

im wondering why.