i wrote this post weeks ago. and i knew that, for a time anyway, i needed to sit on it. but a conversation i had earlier today has brought this back to the forefront of my thoughts. so for now…

things wont go away until we bring them into the light. so this is me. bringing a portion of my life into the light of day.

im not sure how to feel. honestly. i dont know. i miss you. and getting that email from you, wow. correspondence. i was amazed. but now, i simply do not know how to feel.

i remember when i opened up my email, and i saw your name. the first time in the better part of a year since i’d heard from you. and part of me was happy. part of me was absolutely thrilled. part of me would have been ecstatic had the wholeness of the email simply contained

“i had toast today”.

and nothing else.

part of me would have been satisfied. and part of me was.

but you left a lot of questions unanswered. questions im obviously not asking you, because im posting them here. questions i doubt ill get answers to. and honestly, thats ok. i dont post for answers. i dont. i post simply because these things wont go away before i get them out.

i wont be able to walk away completely until i am completely honest with myself. and with you. and tell you flat out; that what you did, walking away

hurt. like. hell.

i know. i know you had your reasons. and part of me absolutely knows that it was for the best. you dont have to defend yourself because i will not attack you. aside from all this, all the drama, the pain, the reasons and whatever else, aside from all that – you are still you. a daughter of the King. beautiful. a precious person in His sight. and you deserve better than to be attacked.

you made your decisions because you had to. as i did mine. i may never fully understand your thinking and logic and the desires behind your actions, but the bottom line is, i dont need to. i dont need to know why. or get answers to the what-ifs. those questions may always exist if/when i let my mind wander down memory lane. but at least by being real and getting this out, it will help to ease the burden of carrying them.

because, to be honest, i dont want to question anymore. i want to move on. i dont hate you. but i dont want to know you anymore. you walked away. you said you had to. and you did. and thats ok.

but now, now its my turn. i dont want to know you anymore. and im sorry to say that. i want to want to know you. i want to desire to still be friends. honestly, i do. but in reality, i dont.

maybe that will change. and maybe im wrong for feeling that way. but the one thing i wont do is lie to you. this friendship was birthed on the foundation of honesty and openess. so, for right now, for this very second in time, this is me. being about as honest and as open as i can get.

i miss you still.

but i need to say…