its amazing.

how much this hurts.

honestly. and im not sure why. maybe its because ive simply ignored this part of my life for so long. ive been, ‘unhonest’ with myself. ive simply brushed this under the rug for so long.

simply trying to forget. trying to move on. trying to pretend that the lump under the carpet kept growing. rearraging furniture to cover it.

…..

what is wrong with me? why is it so hard here to fit in? what about me, makes living in texas a so ‘non-fit’. its like trying to squeeze into pants you wore in 6th grade. or wearing someone elses broken-in shoes. it just doesnt work.

i can pretend, and for so long… thats what ive been doing. pretending. throwing myself into work. throwing myself into everything i possibly can to simply forget, ignore and distract myself from the growing ache inside of me.

12 hours at work on monday. why? well – it was needed. but its not like i had anything specific to rush home too. i didnt have plans to go out. you know, or a date. coffee. a trip to staples. anything.

ive met people. of course. but you know what i realized? i dont want friends to ‘go hang out with’. i want gut level honesty, i want passion, i want love, i want to laugh and dance and cry and hurt and be real.

i want love. more than anything else…

i. want. love.

for so long, ive felt like a blind man in the land of the seeing. a slave in the land of the free. a freak, in the land of the norm.

and for so long ive fought that off. trust me… when the weekend comes and you’ve really got nothing planned but cleaning, you learn to find things to clean. you’d be amazed how much one can clean, when all ones energies are focused on running towards cleaning and running from the void in your life.

i know that a lot of this has to do with my misaligned focus. i know that ive spent a good part of this most recent past running. from my pain. from hurt. from God.

ive been running from the very one who promises me the very thing i crave. the very substance that i need. the very blood that flows through the veins of real, gut level life. im running from a God who is love.

i must be certifiable. crazy. a complete wacko. and an utter failure in this love thing.

and im absolutely terrified of letting ANYONE get close. that includes you, God. it does. im absolutely terrified of letting you get close. of letting you see the real me. of dropping my barriers, of losing the smile and just being honest with you. im afraid that if i do, if i climb over the walls surrounding my heart, that ill simply be hurt again. that You’ll see how scarred and filthy my heart is… and you’ll leave.

i hate the fact that my ability to trust is directly linked to my personal expierences. i hate that i wont allow myself to trust because of what ive gone through.

im drowing… in a pool…. inches from safety. im simply terrified of getting out of the pool, onto dry land, and letting down my guard.

i can control whats in the pool. i, im “safe” here. and if it means i die treading water, then so be it. because at least im “safe”. right? i mean, im safe. arent i?

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