so ill admit.  when i asked for your prayers last week, i played down the situation just a bit.  to be totally honest, the past two weeks were probably the worst two weeks, physically, ive ever had.

i was taking hydrocodone 4x a day.  and towards the end of things, it barley touched the pain.

i couldnt sit, i couldnt stand, i couldnt walk.  there wasnt a position i could be in that didnt hurt.  and movement, simple movent literally took my breath away.

but i did my best not to complain.  and to be honest, i subcomed to fear.  i did.  i wasnt honest with my family, or the doctors about how much pain i was in.  i dont like doctors.  and i paid for it.

sunday morning, i couldnt even sit on the toilet to use the bathroom.  the pain was that severe.  i lost in soon after in the shower.  i just wept.

my mom came to tell me she was headed out to church, and to check on me one more time.  it was at that point that two weeks of horrible pain, sleepless nights and fear came to the surface.  and i did something i hadnt done in a long time.

i broke down.  in someones arms.

i  couldnt take the pain anymore.  there wasnt anything i could do that was “right”.  no matter how i moved, sat, didnt move, laid down, knelt… nothing helped the pain.  and i simply lost it.  and it wasnt just your run of the mill crying.  i was sobbing.  i couldnt help it.

fast forward 4 days…. and im feeling SOOO much better.  im still recovering, so, i still would appreciate prayers.  but i am so incredibly thankful to be feeling better. i am.

yesterday, i was on the way home from work.  and something struck me.  i was mulling over the past few weeks; how i could have handled it better, how i could have gone to the doctors earlier, if i had been a bit more patient, would i still have originally misdiagnosed…. and it hit me.

it took all that, to simply get me to crumble.  to lay aside my defenses and simply ask for help.  even if all that help entailed was a shoulder to cry on.  its funny too, because thats just what i did.  i cried on a shoulder.

it didnt help the pain.  it didnt help the discomfort.  it didnt help me physically, but it helped.  it lifted the weight i had been bearing.  it made me feel lighter.

then i got to thinking.  what does it take in my life?  pain, misery, discomfort, sleepless nights?  simply to get me to be that real with my Saviour.

for me to fall at His feet.  to be brave enough to crumble at the altar on a sunday morning… and find that shoulder.  that shoulder to cry on.  that shoulder that will carry my burden.  and allow me to take His.

oh no
you never let go
through the calm
and through the storm

oh no
you never let go
every high
and every low

Lord, you never let go of me

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