part of me wants to run and hide and not say whats on my heart…. but my heart wont let me. and for tonight, i think i’ll let my heart win.
im realizing that so much this thing called love is far removed from romantic dinners, evenings at the movies, or coffee and conversation…. and so much closer to a broken, imperfect, blemished, failure of a human…. asking for someone to love him or her.
i’m not trying to be down on myself here… but if i’m honest, thats what i am. and actually, thats what you are. broken. pieces of our experiences woven together, held in place… by grace.
–
what do i want out of a relationship? do i want kids? what kind of house? do i want off white or pure white napkins at the reception? none of it matters…
my memories wont be filled with the bouquet she threw, or the china we picked out. my memories will be filled with her scent and the way the morning sun makes her hair sparkle.
my memories will have nothing to do with the minivan, or the house we live in, the jobs we have or how successful i am.
but with her eyes and her smile. and how her eyes glow when she smiles. that she loves tomatoes in her salad and will happily eat mine, because i don’t. that she hates the toilet paper coming from the underside of the roll…
and that she is beautiful, even when she is certain she isn’t.
and the fact that she loves me. and that i love her.
these are the things i will remember
–
i dont know who you are… but i’m here. broken, imperfect, blemished…. and in so many ways, a failure of a man. im pieces, held together by grace.
but i will let you eat my tomatoes.
–
love is walking on water, while the storm rages all around. and its knowing that if you begin to fall, someone will be there to catch you.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
2 comments
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June 28, 2008 at 10:11 pm
kate
oh peej… how much i wish i could hug you just for the sake of hugging you.
i want the same.
i’d eat your tomatoes.
i love you. … lots.
July 2, 2008 at 7:28 pm
mateo
well first of all, I also am not that fond of tomatoes, so I guess you’re barking up the wrong tree Sparky.
I can’t help but notice a common theme in many of your posts over the course of the last year or so, and I don’t know how this message will be received. I don’t know if it’s easier or harder to swallow in the light of what we were and what we are, whatever that may be.
Patrick Jane, I too was in the same position as you. Wanting so bad to be in a relationship, to have someone to love and have that someone love back…despite flaws, shortcomings and brokenness. I sat home alone, I drank, I wallowed in self pity, I whined, and I did nothing about it. Guess what? nothing changed. Now I am all for the notion of true love, and one person out there for each of us and waiting for Mr./Mrs. Right…but I’ve realized that sitting on the sidelines while the “game” is going on will, in all likelihood, result in missing out on the opportunity to find love.
So, what am I saying? Pippy-do my man, you’re a warrior. You’re wearing the armor, protecting the broken, fractured man you’ve become. But you gotta do something man…wallowing and pining won’t make it happen any sooner. And trust me, I am speaking from experience. Looking back, I took such a small, timid step forward…and it paid off. Now, I don’t know if that will work out the same for you. Perhaps it could end up in rejection. Take it, learn from it, and do it again.
Don’t look back on life in 20 years and play the “What-If” game….get in the game now. Bathe yourself in prayer and seek his wisdom and guidance and step out of the boat!
I hope this isn’t taking as being too harsh. This is something that I’ve wanted to say for some time now and I hope I did all the rambling thoughts in my head a small bit of justice.
Feel free to email me at an address I actually use: matt.bonawitz@gmail.com