(Delirious – Find Me In The River)

so what comes next?  what happens after this?  will i continually be content with the safety of the now?  or will i strike out on my own?  strike out into unknown, uncharted territories?  will i move into something i’ve always wanted, but always talked myself out of?

somehow, i’ve convinced myself that everything i was ever shown, all i ever knew, everything my dad ever said – either with his words and actions, or by what was never spoken, and never shown – that it’s all true. that im somehow damaged, and incomplete.  that i was never expected to amount to a whole lot.  that im destined to walk the same path he did.

i walk around like there is a huge shadow that follows me, weighing me down.  the shadow of failures not my own.  of questions that never cease to swirl through my mind. i feel like i never had a chance to become me.  that, by the time i had an idea of who that was supposed to be, the world changed, and to survive, i needed to change with it.  and now im left with the questions, the wondering, trying to figure out what i’m supposed to do.  what this calling is supposed to look like. i know – so many questions, and i seem to only run in circles.

im slowly learning that the answers will come.  that even in the moments when im stuck on the hillside, or the bottom of a dry river bed… seemingly not moving at all, that those moments were destined too. im learning that my destiny is formed as much in the small insignificant moments, as it is in the huge momentous, mountain-top experiences. im learning that life is found in the little things.  in the words of a friend.  or the in the smile of a beautiful girl.  in the red sunrises, or moonlight nights. in the text from someone who cares, or an old friendship that has reconnected.

life is made of the decisions i make each day.

and if what i want, is to be the type of man that an amazing woman can fall in love with, then i’ve got a long way to go.  i need to find a way to walk from underneath my fathers shadow.  to know deep down that his choices do not control my destiny.  that i’m not him, and never will be.

as much as i wish that life was filled with mountain-top moments, moments of victory and passion… more often then not, life is filled with pain. with more moments in a dry riverbed, then on the lush mountain top.

and if i was honest with you, you’d know that ive been running.  from my fears, from this God who wants to be my Father.  from the shadow of a destiny that isnt even mine.

i cant run any longer.  not if i want to see these dreams, these passions and this hope, come to fruition.

we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessings in the valley
then in the river i will wait

find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees
with my soul laid bare

even though you’re gone
and i’m cracked and dry
find me in the river
i’m waiting here
for you

Advertisements