there are times when you simply find yourself at the end of who you are.  and if you’re honest with yourself, the questions you ask arent exactly soup questions.  the answers are never easy to find.  and if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll dig into those questions.  

i think thats where i find myself.  so full of questions.  clueless.  and wondering if the One i chose to follow really has all the answers.  

dont get me wrong, im not questioning my faith.  im questioning me.

do i have what it takes?  can i face this head-on and come out victorious?  will i stand up for myself?  and the one question that no one can answer but me…. am i a man?  have i grown into the man i want to be?  if my father were a man worth emulating, would i make him proud?  or would he be ashamed of who i am?

in this crazy world we live in, we seem to gravitate toward things that make us feel safe.  and when we find those things, we cling to them.  even beyond their usefulness, we still chose to cling to them.  ever fearing that if we let go and cast off from the thing that offers security, we will drown.

we choose to never see what’s beyond the horizon, or just over that hill… or even meet the people next door, simply because of what we cling to.

maybe its an attitude.  or a belief.  or, maybe it’s the walls you constructed around your heart.  maybe its the ingrained belief that people, all people, will eventually abandon you.

maybe you’ve got very good reasons for the walls you’ve built.  you’ve got reasons, and the scars to prove them.  maybe you’ve resigned yourself to keeping people at arms length because you feel that if anyone ever got close enough to see how damaged you really were…. you’d fall apart.  

and maybe, thats exactly what you want.  you want someone to peek in, see the damage and… still. love. you.

you want to fall apart.  and let someone else pickup the pieces.  simply because you dont know how much longer you can go on, simply holding things together.  maybe you go to bed wondering how you carry on.  maybe you’ve felt that helpless.  and felt that alone.  if that’s you, i hope you realize you’re not alone.

because i’m there too.

and i’ve got to believe that life doesnt end when you reach that point, but that it is just the beginning.  so im holding on.  and i hope you do too.

———————-

so where does this leave us?  

just because you feel lost, doesnt mean you are.  and just because you may feel utterly alone, doesnt mean you are.

this One i chose to follow holds the entirety of the oceans in His hands.  and if His hands are that big, then i know He’s holding me.  and He’s holding you, too.

 

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