who am i to withhold grace from someone?  what is it inside of me that allows me to determine someone elses worth?  who gave me the gavel and declared me judge of the world?

if its true, if what this amazing book says is true, then im not the judge.  and beyond that, im not worthy of the role.  because the moment i pointed out someone elses faults, my own would stand up to accuse me.

who am i?  what am i?  im no one.  and im in need of grace.  daily.

why is the simplest thing about life, the hardest to learn?  why is it that i believe i can deserve grace and mercy, yet others are somehow unworthy of the grace that i need?

i know, its been forever since ive posted.  and i could talk about how busy work has kept me.  or how crazy other parts of life are.  i could go into stories and details, but honestly, i’d just be skirting the truth.

that in some ways, ive been running.  trying to pretend that everything is ok.  when in reality, parts of who i am know that not everything is ok.  and maybe thats what this is all about.  coming to the realization (again) that i need grace.  that i’m human, an utterly capable of failure.

that honestly, i’m still scared.  that there are days i feel trapped, and that there are days i feel utterly alive.  that at 29, i dont know how to get get from where i am, to where i want to be.

that sometimes responsibility and dreams seem to be directly opposed to each other.  and that staying true to one, while keeping the others alive… isnt easy.

when 2009 comes to an end, what will i have stood for?  what will have changed inside of me because of the choices i’ve made, and the choices im making?  what will have changed in my sphere of influence?  will i stand for what i know to be right?  even when it means standing up and saying i was wrong?

will i take the road less travelled by and forge my own path?  will i hold tightly to the dreams He has given me?  or will they simply slip away into the nothingness of mediocrity?

….

honestly, i dont know the answers to those questions.  i could tell you what i want them to be.  i could tell you what i would want to say on december 31, 2009.  but it’s my actions now, my deeds and choices today and tomorrow, that will ultimately write the answers to those questions.

it’s up to me.  the choice is mine.

i wasnt ever promised to have the path laid out for me.  i was simply told that i wouldnt walk it alone.

so be it.

David Crowder Band – How He Loves

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