i hate being alone.

no, its not that, because i cherish time away from the world.

i am afraid of ending up alone.  and i think, if we were all honest with ourselves, we all struggle with this fear.

and if we were to think about it, if we were to really think about it, i think we’d begin to understand that its not being alone that we fear.  it is that we fear we’re not worthy of being pursued.  that there is nothing desirable inside of us.  we do not fear being alone, but what being alone tells us.

that we’re not worthy.  that we dont belong, dont fit.  that somehow we didnt pass the test.  that the sum of our parts didnt add up to a high enough value.

we fear not being loveable more than we fear not being loved.

and that fear hits home.

we cover it, we do our best to hide it.  some of us throw ourselves into a hobby, work, our careers, kids or current significant other.  we look for answers to that doubt, that fear, in everything and anything we can control.

it’s almost like we were born with a deep-seated knowing that there was, is, something valuable inside of us.  something precious.  something deserving of love.  its like we know, even if we refuse to admit it, that our hearts are valuable.  that they are precious, unique and achingly beautiful.  its like we understand that there is something of value, rare and matchless, inside of each of us.

and that knowing, because of our past experiences and past wounds leads us to fear ever letting it be seen.  so we cover it.  and we look for the fulfillment our heart longs for, in the people, jobs and things we surround ourselves with.

and we are never fulfilled.

we were never meant to fill the desire of our heart, to love in a way and be loved in a way we’ve never known, with a career, a relationship, or a hobby.  our hearts were designed, created, for something great.  to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.  to be free.  to create and love and make music, paint, throw pottery and dance.

our hearts were created for us to find life.  true, abundant, beautiful life.

and when we hide our hearts, when past experiences, mistakes, pain, disappointment and fear cause us to lock our hearts away, we become shells of the lives we were meant to live.  we become puppets.  life becomes a routine, empty, stale unfulfillable.

we need to be reminded of how we were created.

we need to be reminded that we were not created to find our fullness in things, or people.  but in a real relationship with the One who sculpted our hearts and knows their scars, better than we ever could.

we need to be reminded that we were destined to live, to find life fully.  and to be shining examples of a heart fully alive.

so i challenge you, as i challenge myself, to slow down, to ask the hard questions, to feel the aches that our hearts hide, to fight through them.  to learn from our mistakes….

and find ourselves running back home.

to let ourselves, our hearts feel.  to be real, honest living people and not the shells we’ve come to believe equal life.

we are not promised that it will be easy.  but we are promised that if we hang on and dont quit, that if we follow the One who has created our hearts, then we will find that life, that true, real, pure, brilliant life.

we will get there, we will know life.

and it will be beautiful.

Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down

if you leave I’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
I’ll take you back a thousand times again
I’ll take you as My own

I will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run

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