thats my word for tonite.

searching, wondering, looking….. lost.

11:18pm on sunday July 28. i dont know where im going. im searching for the path…im looking for His footsteps to follow. i dont know where im walking… and im begining to wonder if ive walked in a big circle….

questions… all i have are questions. and when i get answers, they bring only more questions… no relief.

i have a feeling that life hasnt stopped changing for me yet. and im contemplating some decisions…name just a few, that i never thought id end up asking myself. so hey.. who knows. if it wasnt real, my life would make a pretty hilarious sitcom:-)

ok. sleep is calling
this life i think im living continues
-adieu

my quote to end another day of this life i think im living….

Lay me down in a daffodil field where the still waters flow
Set my eyes on the horizon and the picture of home
Sail with me miles over even my highest hopes
Cause where ever you are- that’s where I want to go

my thoughts for this week – so far – are summed up in this single phrase. im waiting. simply waiting.

i had an interesting conversation earlier today. more things had come to light.

so… yeah, im not gonna say much else tonite. im just waiting. for my…. defining moment.

looks like rain / fell off the horse again / and I curse the selfish pride that came before
feels like rain / this melancholy mood I’m in / as I watch the empty glass that’s landing on the floor

 

sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting / and lost, let us find your way

 

cause we all feel the pain / we’re all waiting for the day / while the here and now keeps dragging on / and we all hide away / under canopies of grace / to keep us on the rainy days / they will keep us on the rainy days

 

looks like rain / can’t find my faith again / and I’m sure I had it not an hour ago / feels like rain / I’m falling sideways with the wind / all the while believing I am not alone

 

sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting / and lost, let us find your way

 

cause we all feel the pain / we’re all waiting for the day / while the here and now keeps dragging on / and we all hide away / under canopies of grace / to keep us on the rainy days / they will keep us on the rainy days

i may never come to the place where im content either having little…or much. i may never achieve the level of finding peace no matter what my surroundings. and i may never live a life so surrendered that im ok with not being in control. and im almost sure i will never attain -in this life i think im living- the ability to sleep, fully knowing i am completely and wholey inadequate for what is going on in my life.

i may never get there – but i have nothing else… but to try.

with a sigh i greet the day
i feel the morning on my face
weary at the moment i awake
even as i lie
the thought returns to mind
“welcome to the rest of your life”.
somewhere i’ve lost my way
from saved to stray and failing
in silence my spirit pleads,
“is the vision lost
or has it been passed on?
is there any use continuing?”

 

his faithfulness, my hope
it brings comfort to my soul
with a still small voice whispering,
“call upon my name and i
will set you up on high
be still and know that i am God

 

creation speaks to me
i’m stricken to my knees
in reverance and fear
forever my Almighty
the heavens in your hand
surpass the grains of sand
who am i before you?
elieonai eli adullam

is there something seriously wrong with me? when i get to the place when – after more bad news on the family front – i just sit and…in some sad way…im amused by how pathetic this has become? is that a warning sign? i dunno….quesiton of the nite…

for now, thats it from this life i think im living

ok…one more thing…and then i crash

Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me. The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack, the burdens keep piling up on my back. So hard to breathe, to take the next step. The mountains is high, I wait in the depths. Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace. Dear God… increase. Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever. Freedom means love without condition, a beginning or an end. Here’s my heart, let it be forever Yours, only you can make every new day seem so new.

i dont really have much to put down tonite… long day. and i do have lots on my mind… just things that, as ive said before…i need to say to specific people… but i will leave you with my song of the moment/day/whatever.

if a song is a snapshot… then this is a picture of where im at… the picture may not be clear and it may not be focused properly… but hey… its me. its this specific moment in this life i think im living.

goodnite all…i leave you with – dandelions

In a field of yellow flowers,
underneath the sun,
bluest eyes that spark with lightning,
boy with shoes undone.
He is young, so full of hope,
reveling in tiny dreams,
filling up, his arms with flowers,
right for giving any queen.

 

Running to her beaming bright,
while cradling his prize.
A flickering of yellow light,
within his mother*s eyes.
She holds them to her heart,
keeping them where they*ll be safe,
clasped within her very marrow,
dandelions in a vase.

 

She sees love, where anyone else would see weeds.
all hope is found. Here is everything he needs.

 

Fathomless your endless mercy, weight I could not lift.
Where do I fit in this puzzle, what good are these gifts?
Not a martyr, or a saint,
scarcely can I struggle through.
All that I have ever wanted, was to give my best to you.

 

Lord, search my heart, create in me something clean.
Dandelions
you see flowers in these weeds.

 

Gently lifting hands to heaven,
softened by the sweetest hush,
a Father sings over his children,
loving them so very much.
More than words could warrant,
deeper than the darkest blue,
more than sacrifice could merit,
Lord, I give my heart to you.

its been a while hasnt it? since i sat here and poured my heart into this. its been a long time since i was introspective. i guess -when one doesnt like what they see- sometimes they choose not to continue to look. which is what i think ive done….

it seems that i may not have a lot for the blog tonite. i know -its been forever- and so much is on my heart right now… so much. but i guess the words are best said directly to the people that i need to say them too….

for now…. to my little sparrow wherever she may find herself…. goodnite and you are loved.

and to the rest of the populace -this life i think im living….well, it hasnt stopped. and neither will i:-)

sleep in peace everyone
-nite

so supposedly i just re-installed the posting capability…here goes

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