and in tonites recap of the days events…
yesterday ended with a 4am nite. or morning. either way, i wasnt in bed till past 4. up and movin 6.5 hours later. had a lunch meeting with a pastor at my church. all in all, it went well. he encouraged me to “plan out” the next FIVE YEARS of my life. not a “this is your life, you must do everything you put on paper” type deal. more like just a roadmap of where i’d like to be.

thats what the whole thing revolved around. “pj, where do you see yourself in 5 years”.

5 years? oh my lord. i can hardly go 2 months from now. i dont have ANY idea where i want to be in 5 years. not a clue. their are so many things id like to do, so many things id like to be…. but i cant see the tangibleness of thinkin that far in advance when my family is falling apart. i dunno… does it seem a lil greedy to you? this is what I want? i dunno.

if i have learned anything these past five months – ive learned that “what i want” doesnt matter. period. it just simply doesnt matter. life never asks permission. my heart? my heart is to simply be where HE wants me to be 5 years from now. i seriously dont care what im doing. i really dont.

now. the question remains… is it my own personal distrust and cynicism regarding pastors in general playing into my distaste for the whole thing? or is the whole thing seriosly a waste of time? that question – and the many more probably to follow – will be unanswerable in and of myself. thats His job. my job? to remain submissive. to be where he wants me to be when he wants me to be there.

i dont remember any of the disciples having a 5 year plan for their lives. i dont remember moses, or abraham getting one either. all i remember…are two very simple and very profoud words – Follow Me. thats what im gonna do.

now, if -in this following. i should have a 5 year plan… then yeah. i will. and who knows. maybe ill even start it tomorow. i just wish i knew what i wanted. or better yet, what He wants.

either way, the sandwich i had for lunch was highly unimpressive. and the $21 fee for the mediocre food we ate was appaling. but hey. free food

and yeah, i just realized ive got a dentist appt. tomorrow. so i should be crashing soon.

so ill leave you with this – my song of the day

Bring it On
steven curtis chapman

I didn�t come lookin� for trouble
And I don�t want to fight needlessly
But I�m not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me
I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell something�s coming down
But if it�s gonna make me grow stronger then�

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, maybe you�re thinkin� I�m crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
�Cause I know I�ve got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender

Now, I don�t want to sound like some hero
�Cause it�s God alone that my hope is in
But I�m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let me be made weak so I�ll know the strength of the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Bring it on

until the next update from the life i think im living
have yourself a pleasant nite