went to the dentist today. fun little time getting going this morning. i forgot my wallet almost 1/4 of the way there so i had to turn around, find the wallet and then haul to get to the appt. 10 minutes late. ah well. could be worse. i dont like the dentist. but hey, at least i dont have to turn my head and cough. lets keep things in perspective:-)

perspective. its a hard thing to keep sometimes. especially with my dad.
if there was one specific thing – in this life i think im living – that could be described as an enigma, it would be my relationship with my dad.
on the one hand, im in awe of any man who would work for 30 years and be an expert in his field (electrical and mechanical maintnance) and after two layoffs, take a job waiting tables just to try to make ends meet in cruel and unforgiving world. he’s waiting tables. 30 years of work – expierence – wisdom. all for nought? tell me, exactly why would i want to plan out 5 years of my life, if… 30 years from now – i can look forward to minimum wage plus tips.

what really amazes me, he isnt complaining. he hasnt been allowed to see his family in months. christmas? christmas he spent alone. completely alone. He got to see his only son (me) for about 3 total minutes on my 22nd birthday. he isnt allowed to talk to his daughters. and his wife isnt even wearing her wedding band anymore. he rents a small room. and has absolutely no one to talk to. he lives in the same town as the rest of my family and yet he is competely alone.

and he is surviving.

that brings perspective

on the other hand, he could be – and probably is – the cause to most of the problems that our family is going through.

during the course of the day, i think we talked 7 times. i know, that this isnt the actions of a healthy man. but again… what would you do in his situation? i dont know.

im not sure what to think. what to feel. what to do. or even how to react. questions. all questions and no answers. questions about the future, about myself. would i take a job waiting tables? WAITING TABLES!!!! MY DAD IS WAITING FREAKING TABLES.

i guess maybe im looking for a guarentee of some sort. a promise – that my life wont end up like his. that my marriage, will be better. and maybe, that life is worth living.
or maybe, im just looking for a promise that things wont always be like this. that life wont always hurt. and that somehow.. sometime… my family will be ok again.

all i have to do is look to you
and i will never be the same
my lifes been changed
and like a child
i will play despite the rain

there isn’t much else to do is there?
ill see you in the storm

until the next installment of the life i think im living

have a cookie

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