divorce.the word i never thought id hear. the word i consider to be akin to death. or, rather – to a horrible painful tormented slow dying. not so much the release of death – just the rendering in two of what “God” brought together.

it was brought up in a conversation with my mother about a week and a half ago.

on march 11 – America remembered a moment… a day… a single act that changed and impacted who we were. they remembered september 11.
on march 13 – i remembered a moment… a day… the culmination of many years that will forever change and impact who i am to become. i remembered september 13.

on september 11 – the world changed
on september 13 – MY world changed.

my family left for texas to try to save my sisters life. 9/13/02 will forever be remembered as the day my life changed.

and now. 6 months and 9 days after they arrived in texas. my family are considered legal texas residents. so as of 3/15/02 – my mom can file for divorce.
and thats the plan. to rip asunder that which “God” put together. i remember all the times ive sat through weddings – “let no man rend that which God has put together”… or however that goes.

interesting. very interesting

so here i am. 22 years old and i feel like im 5.
i feel like my world has been ripped apart.
i feel like im going to have to chose sides.
and i cant.
if i cant have both – i dont want either

my dad never beat my mom
he wasnt ever unfaithful

yet – mom has the oppurtunity (and the backing of everyone in tx) to destroy all that remains of this marriage.
and my dad – who hasnt done squat to make things better – is continuing in his delusions…

and here i am. the poor little 5 year old. whos parents dont love each other anymore.
i always thought that – if your parents were ever to split, it would be easier if your older. i dont think that way anymore.

i got to talk to the mother of a friend of mine earlier this week. her parents split when she was in her 20s. she labled what id been feeling. she said – “i felt totally helpless, i felt like i was a 5 year old”.

so i sat at the station (wdcz – im a board operator) last week wednesday. and listened as my mom questioned every single thing i considered to be solid in my life. from my decision to stay up here – to the “holy” act of matrimony. all in one conversation… while at work. and i called all happy because i had gotten a new job. she wasnt even excited. i got more of a “so hes seirously not gonna come down here” response. made for a fun day. really.

i wish i could cry. for once, i want to be able to drop my guard completely. fall on my knees and just cry. i havent cried…i mean really cried… in almost 7 months. i want to drop all the masks… have the world go away and just begin the healing process. maybe even learn to trust again. i hate being jaded. so cynical and so easily angered. my fuse is so short at times.

–desiring the way thing were will never lead anywhere. i have to press on. and just…

i dont know what to do

just what?

learn to adjust?
adjust to what?

6 months from now, all i see is my dad being homeless and totally shut out of my moms life.

homeless.

this is what i think about. this is the vision i have for the future. this is the dream i have when im asleep. this is my reality.

homeless.

its so simple – it hurts. he is wrong. but, he believes in what hes doing with all he has. all he has. i had hoped that maybe in this world, giving your all would be all that was asked.

maybe i was wrong.

i guess i took for granted some things in this life that i shouldnt have.

a five year old expected to navigate this life totally alone – that may not be who i am. but its who i feel like.

–cheers.

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