i wouldnt call this chapter 4. its more like just a small scrap piece of paper i shoved into my book.

im sick of this. i seriously am.
what i wouldnt give for closure.

something definitive. something that begins to bring the frayed strands of my life back into some semblance of alignment. something that begins to bring completion. normallacy. something that says that “the end is near”. or…. “keep going because you’re almost there”.

maybe its somewhat greedy of me to wonder why i should continue to keep pressing on.

new subject.

honesty and openess. according to a “comprehensive personality profile” i took for my job, i prefer honest open relationships. i have a very low level of trust. and… oh heck. just read

My social style combines a low degree of trust with a low level of assertiveness. This low trust affects interpersonal relationships because it produces a skepticisim toward the real intentions of others. As a result, I will avoid being completely open and free to interact when being introduced to new acquaintances. Once the acquaintance earns a degree of trust, I become much more relaxed in my relationship and more open with my emotions. In addition, my low level of assertiveness affects interpersonal relationships because I feel I might be too easily manipulated or controlled by others. A defense mechanism will more than likely be employed to protect my vulnerability. The interaction of these two characterists, low trust and low assertiveness, result in my maintaining a more controlled approach to new relationships.

a “more controlled approach to new relationships” and “a defense mechanism”.
hmm… i seriously hate my defense mechanism. i can feel it click into gear and i feel completely and totally powerless to stop it. its like a wall that just pops up. i dont intentionally do it. i despise when it happens. and i’ve no clue what to do when it happens.

the more i live
the more i (hopefully) learn.

and if i learned anything this week, its that life seems to be a very delicate balancing act. one at which i am an utter failure at. it is not possible to live in a way that doesnt piss somebody off. it really isnt. which then denotes the question – why try? why do i even bother.

i guess, in all honesty – you’re hearing the fearful cries of a wounded heart. you’re hearing me fighting against my ‘defense mechanism’. you’re hearing me trying to wade through the repeating tapes of my failures, of my hurts, of who i think i am.

i spent this week waking up screaming from the american dream.

and ive realized, i dont want it. im not living for the american dream. i dont care about a good retirement. i dont care about a nice freakin ‘nest egg’. i dont need a vacation house in cancun or the ability to move to florida when im 65. this life was meant to be lived.

i dont know how, and i dont see the way… but somehow… i hope that my living will bring me to the place where i understand how to truly live. because i know im not now. i know i can not be truly living. if this is truly living – then this life i think im living isnt worth the cost. i was born for something more. i was born for something beyond the sum total of my parts.

i dont know what.

i just know im restless.

welcome to my life
welcome to the struggle to live
welcome to this life i think im living.