im going to leave tonites post title-less. for now anyway.
but in honor of an anniversary id rather not remember, im going to re-blog this message i originally posted back on may 29 2002. the day im reference below would have been memorial day 2002.

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rest. it comes to those who ask for it. if they do what it takes to step into it. no deep thoughts. no earth-shattering revelations. newsflash tho i have a reason to live. a few of them actually. 24 hours ago i was reminded of them. 48 hours ago… i was about to give up. but i have a reason. 2 of them actually. they live in ft. worth and they’re slightly younger and more beautiful than i am. well… slightly younger and much more beautiful. they are the reason i keep going. they are the ‘pot at the end of the rainbow’. they are the reason i continue on in this life i think im living….. they are my sisters and i love them incredibly.
—-

you see… memorial day 2002 was basically at the very peak of my emotional turmoil.

i had come home from a christian gathering feeling completely alone. completely isolated. and completely un-worthy.

depression has many faces. and there is no doubt in my mind that -at one time- my face was counted among those.

you need to understand that ive sat here. and the space between the last line i just typed, and this one here… although short… has taken me nearly 15 minutes.

simply because of what im pondering. because of the raw emotion. because of how scared i am now – of how close it was then.

one year ago memorial day, i had plans laid out to commit suicide.

there, i said it.

it would have been simple really. i had two options, either slit my wrists in the tub, or a simple 6 story free-fall from my parking garage.

shocked? i am. and ive had a year to comprehend the honest fact that i was that low. its scary. ‘scary’ doesn’t even seem to be a big enough word. it doesn’t convey the depth of emotion i feel. its almost as if its feelings to deep for words.

for once upon a fateful nite 1 year ago, my little sister called me from 1700 miles away. and she never could have known that the simple communication we shared, saved my life. she never knew that the words we shared brought me back to life. she could never know that within that conversation were the things i was dying to hear.

she showed me i was needed. that i had a purpose in life. and that i had a reason, 2 of them actually, to live.

now maybe, in the course of my post tonite, ive shaken your world a little bit. well then, good. maybe it will make you stop and take stock of your friendships and realize that life isnt forever. and that, in a moment… it can change. and in a moment… it can be taken away.

im not where i used to be. praise God. im not that person anymore.

i used to think it could never happen to me, now i know it could happen to anyone.

be thankful for each day and live it to its fullest.

because, in all honesty, there are no promises that this life i think im living will continue on tomorrow.

here is to today.
and to lives being changed by grace.

amen and amen.

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