things always seem somehow clearer after talking with ones mom.so i sit here.. and ive not posted anything much lately.

there has been a lot goin on…

change will continue to occur.

the divorce is finally close to being finalized.

which, im guessing – means that dad may be leaving tx soon. not sure what i think of that. i guess, im just thankful that closure is… well, hopefully… its coming.

im hoping the light at the end of this tunnel is daylight….. and not an approaching train.

we’re (mom, sisters and i) are already planning for christmas already. isnt that scary? Christmas! wow.

why i find myself constantly trying to put labels on things… trying to – categorize – or organize my life into little pockets, ill never truly understand. maybe its control…

maybe its just be trying to understand all that is happening right now…

like i said earlier. i had a talk with my mom earlier this evening. first time, probably in months – that she and i have had a good heart to heart. and… no matter how hard my heart can get… knowing that she cares… and that she understands, at least a small part, of how ‘between’ ive been these past 2 years. its… its nice.

i miss her.

i got a good update on the circumstances goin on down there.

i knew things were tight… but it still sucks to know your mom and sisters are 1700 miles away, and are putting gas and groceries on the CREDIT card because your mom cant find work. she just got a job…

but… come on. how can i sit here and not question.

questions… they’re supposed to help you find answers right?

i find myself sitting here… and the one question… the ONE FREAKIN question i cant seem to answer… is how come i dont have more anger…

why is it, that all im feeling right now, is just a sense of… sadness…

its not even sadness….

just the feeling of knowing that to fight for this any longer… would be foolish. its like watching a best friend walk out on your life. knowing they will never look back.

its watching them walk out the door… down the walk, into the car… they drive down the street. and out of your life.

its a sadness that doesnt bring mourning of the deep kind… its the deep hurt of a knowing that… you cant do anything else.

that they’re gone.
forever.

what more can you do? you watch as the car disappears around the corner… you wait…. hoping against all hope that… maybe… just maybe.. life will immitate tv.

your best friend will realize what a mistake this was.

they’ll turn the car around.

and drive back into your life.

but that doesnt happen.

so you slowly turn, walk up the steps… into your house.

and you do the only thing you can do now. you get on with your life.

ive come to realize that no matter how long you sit, waiting at the gate for your perverbial “best friend” to come back… they never will. ive come to the place where i can feel the calling… to get up. and to slowly move on. and not just from the whole family thing. but from a few places in my life that ive just… hoped against hope… and clung to something i thought was good.

and honestly – in doing so… your life stops.

but the world doesnt. and it never will.

so, to those situations, and quite possibly… to those relationships that ive just been clinging too…

forgive me if i no longer wait.

because life is waiting… for me.

p.s.

so this was my feeble attempt at letting some of me.. flow onto the screen. its convoluted and fractured, i know. but its the best i can do. and honestly, i think…. its a representation of my life to this point.

portions of clarity….

surrounded by mystery and pain.

but as i said before….

and as ive said many times in the past…

this is the road i was chosen to walk.

so bring it on.