it seems ive spent the last few days/weeks doing a lot of that. remembering. reminiscing. looking back atwho i was

where i was

family

friends

life.

realizing that so much has changed. and beyond that, realizing how much i miss…. so much… of what is gone.

maybe i am guilty of looking back to much. maybe im guilty of looking back with… with my hole, instead of looking forward with hope.

i spent some of friday nite at a celebration of the Jewish holiday of Succot.

succot, in a nutshell is the holiday that is celebrated to remember the two instances that God came and ‘visited’ or ‘lived with’ man. the sermon-ish sharing from the leader of the congregation was good. made me think. but id lie if i didnt say that inside of me was screaming out with cynicism. doubt. fear. anger. and at times… hatred.

this God who is supposed to be with us.

this God who allows my sister to weigh 82 lbs.

this God who allowed my father to commit the most heinous acts immaginable.

this God who KNEW my family would be split….

Christmas is only 10 weeks away. not even three months. im supposed to have the cash to fly down to be with my mom and sisters for Christmas and – honestly – i dont have any idea where that money is coming from. on top of that, i need a suit for business. my car goes in to the shop this weekend… i mean… come on. where is an airplane ticket supposed to come from?

last year, my mom and sisters spent christmas nite at a dennys. dennys. i will never again set foot inside of that restuarant.

im sick of lying to myself. im sick of trying to be ok with all of this. im sick of trying to put a pretty little bow on the past two years and pretend that everything that happened is ok. because its not. it will never be ok. i am not ok. and screw you if you think i should move on.

can you blame me if ive been looking for solace in all the wrong places? can you blame me if ive run from the God who is supposed to love me?

maybe those arent the questions. maybe the question i should be asking…

do i see God in all of this?

or maybe all along… its just that were so small and simply not as strong…. strong like wings of silver and feathers made of gold. to carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls…. to cover all of us