so ive been thinking over the course of the past few weeks….ive been thinking a lot actually.

im realizing that my story….

if you were to right a book about my life… and if you wrote the final page today…

my story would not be complete.

at least… i hope not.

for you see, my story is not one of finding inner healing. of baring the deepest parts of my soul to an Almight and Loving God… and finding healing. my story would have many chapters written, unchangably, in the first person. because a lot of times – there was no second, or third.

my story would find me striving for… fighting… for survival.

it would not neccessarily be one of victory in all battles.

it would be a story of survival.

of a prodigal son.

a sinner.

i guess ive found myself in a beatiful letdown.

im constrained by my heart to follow hard after my God. every time i attempt to press into His presence, im overwhelmed by my mistakes. by my sins. i long to simply run away from this feeling. from this God who loves me. and into the sweet embrace of nothingness. to escape from pain. from hurt. from moments that would stretch me… and let me grow. i dont want to lose anything else. so i run.

i want to run from the One Being, i want to blame… the One Being, i can blame… the One Being, who is blameless.

an almighty God… and a family, lives in ruin.

an almighty God… and through all the stormclouds… a lining. sometimes… only the shadow of a lining of hope.

my story doesnt revolve around a life dominated recently of powerful moves of an almighty God. my story doesnt show Gods moving in the “parting of the red sea” or “fire from heaven”.

my story centers on a quiet, hardly discernable “i am still here” that has reverberated through every circumstance, every battle won… and lost.

His love is perfect. and how i ever got to the point that i would run FROM it… rather than to it… i dont know if i can undestand it.

i absolutely despise so much of who ive become.

i hate that His Presence isn’t the first thing i run to when i hurt.

i hate that my life doesnt reflect His love.

i hate that my heart, my mind, my actions – dont line up with His desires for me to live a pure life.

i hate that i feel so…. unholy.

i run from the shame. i run beacause of the shame. i run because i know that people arent as forgiving as a Holy God. i run, because i cant stand who ive become when i stop running.

im scared.

im scared that if i stop… that things will catch up with me. and ill never start again.

ultimately, im afraid that if i do stop… and let down my guard…

people will see… they’ll see me. for all of who i am. sinful, dirty, unholy… wrong.

they’ll see the facets of who i am that i try to hide…

they’ll see the facets ive become so good at covering, that i sometimes can pretend they’re not even there.

but they are. and they will, in one form or another, always be there. its what makes me human. they are what make me in need of a saviour. of a champion.

of the One who through it all…

is still there.

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