i left yesterday afternoon and headed to cleveland for my first ever business trip. wasnt bad at all. good food, nice hotel.ended up spending 2.5 hours of the ride down with my coworker, explaining – for the first time ever to anyone i work with – why it is that my family is 1700 miles away while im here in rochester. im still not sure what i think of that expierence of sharing. and of course, my coworker is one of those people that is brutally honest… shes nice, but she never beats around the bush. so her questions were very pointed. not harsh. but pointed.

liberating to talk about it? yes. i honestly wish that at times, more people would let me tell my story. but on the other hand. everything always comes flooding back. well, in all honesty… its not coming “back” at all. its just forcing me to look at the emotions ive yet to deal with.

so you do one of two things in those situations. you either clam up, and make the entire rest of the trip extremely uncomfrotable. or you’re simply honest. either way… you learn something.

you either learn how long two people can go without talking…. or you learn something more about yourself.

it was funny though, here i am… a 23 year old talking to someone in her late 40s or early 50s… you know… an “adult”. and shes telling ME that ive had enough happen already. that i shouldnt have to handle anything else. she was impressed, if thats the word to use, with what ive been through.

i dont know if i feel any ounce of good about that at all.

im 23 years old. i shouldnt have had to have dealt with all of that.

kates 27 years old. she shouldnt have had to deal with all shes been through.

vals 20 years old… (almost 21!) she shouldnt have had to have lived through all shes been through.

so maybe im just beginning to wonder…. to look… for someone else who has walked this road and has come out the better because of it. someone who has chosen to live… to truly live through all this hell on earth – and has become a better person because of that choice.

someone who took what was dealt to them, and played the game anyway. even if all they had was a losing hand….

i dont know… maybe i dont even know what im looking for.

in other news, friday nite i ended up at a gathering at an unnamed church for a ‘young adult’ meeting. it was a group of about 10 of us 18-27 year olds… i ended up simply being real about how i sometimes find it hard to pray or spend time in the word (for a variety of reasons i didnt meantion) and someone else immediately jumped down my throat and decided that her simple world view was the only one to have.

i know, i should have let this infraction go a long time ago. i know that. and im trying. its not a one time thing for me. it never is. i work my f*cking a$$ off to be the best damn person i can. and i get furious when someone steps into my life, knowing aboslutely nothing and decides to tell me what to do.

somewhat extreme? yeah, i know. it is.

some of it is sheer frustration. and honestly, some of it is sheer fear.

i try so hard because i dont know what else will happen if i dont.

my entire family fell apart 2 years ago. and ive barely let my guard down once since then.

i was a “good kid” before all that happened. i didnt drink, do drugs or blah blah blah. and all that STILL HAPPENED. which of course, begs the question… what would happen if i DID screw up?

i know – you’re thinking that my logic above is askew. completely askew. and you’d be absolutely right for thinking that way. it is. i know it. you know it.

but you’re not the one who lies awake at 4am thinking about that.

you dont have to live with the voices in my head.

you dont know what its like.

we prayed. sort of. i dont do well at praying regularly during the most intense times of my life. i find it overwhelming. i get paralyzed at the prospect of reminding God yet again of what both He and i are so painfully aware of…. …. and would He please please please make it all better?