i was driving home the other nite, and a question ive been asking myself lately popped into my head.

ive been asking myself this for what seems like weeks now, but ive only recently been able to verbalize it.

the question?

do forgiveness and reconciliation always walk hand in hand? are the truly inseparable? can you have one without the other? and if so, to what degree can you forgive, and not be reconciled… and vice versa?

i know the “christian” answer is always yes. i know that… you dont need to preach it to me.

at least, reconciliation is a given when speaking of the forgiveness that flows from Christ…

but what about between 2 people?

i guess this question has been on my heart because in all honesty, im dealing with it.

to what degree does forgiveness need reconciliation? is it possible to forgive someone, and yet never truly trust them again?

maybe the question im really asking is,

why hasnt my heart healed yet? why cant i trust that person yet? what is it that causes this reaction in me?

i hate that i feel like i want to run away from you every time i see you. i hate that i feel that i cant trust you. i hate that it still hurts so much when i think of you.

most of all, i hate that my heart has yet to move from this point.

is this my fault? am i somehow sabotaging my chances and opportunities for healing? am i intentionally keeping myself in this spot?

all i have is questions… but only questions find the answers that we seek.

there was a time in a young kings life… well before he was even aware of his destiny to become king, when a wise man, a ‘seer’, told him to wait just a little while longer…

and then this seer, would tell him all that was in his heart.

it seems the more i learn about life, love and relationships, the less i truly know.

heck, i dont even understand the depths of my own heart.

so my prayer for tonite… is that sometime soon… someone wise would show me all that is in my heart.