i came to a somewhat startling realization a few weeks ago.

aside from all the neat stuff there is to learn in this life, the one thing im hungry to learn more about… is myself. maybe that seems a bit selfish… its not honestly meant to be. i just simply… well, i dont understand so much of who i am. or what i feel. or -more importantly- why i feel certain things. i dont understand why it is that i can hit an emotional wall in certain circumstances, and then just have to drop everything and leave… knowing full well, that if i dont… ill just begin balling and absolutely no one will have any idea why.

anyway… where was i?

oh yeah…

this hit me between the eyes, and what really shocked me, is that i should have figured it out a long time ago.

i mean, the signs were all there and it makes absolute sense…

but yeah, im a guy… so im not the quickest on the uptake.

i realized why it is exactly that so many of my friendships have gone through enormous change the past 18 months.

its because i changed. and because i needed to be around people who didnt know the old me. i changed so much… life forced so many changes in such a little time that i seriously couldnt be around people who reminded me of my past. my family. my life… before.

so yeah. a simple explanation that really fits into many different areas of my life.

i realized something else too. that being, that my decision so to speak, to find new friends… really caused quite a rift in my life with a number of people. and i dont have the slightest idea how to go about dealing with that.

because honestly, i still feel that way. i feel absolutely naked in front of a certain number of people who knew the real me then. honestly? i feel scared. and i dont know why.

hill, i dont know if this has impacted the situation we talked about a few days ago… but i want you to know im sorry. i hate the fact that you feel the way you do. i honestly do. you’re a tremendous person. you’re a rainbow in a very dreary, gray world. and i love to be with you. im sorry. and please – bear with me as i learn and attempt to change?

help me. help me to worship You. help me to look beyond myself… and just cry out to You….



Your grace has found me just as i am
empty handed but alive in your Hands