i dont have any christmas spirit.

im not announcing this in some form of rebellion or raging against the commercialism of christmas. its a simple factual statement… almost said with resignation. i simply dont.

ive tried. ive fought… i just dont have any.

i also realized that ive spent the majority of the past month running from all things that cause pain. ive shyed away from situations, people, places… all of which cause me some level of discomfort.

this whole thing is beginning to bother me. for nearly a year, my focus has been on learning to trust again. on pushing through the scars and reaching out. on being vulnerable… and on learning to love again. and to be loved in return.

but somewhere along the past 4-6 weeks, i stopped. i dont know if it was something i did intentionally… or if it was more of the simple progresison of things.

i feel old. thats the only way i can describe how ive felt the past few days…. past week maybe. simply, old. like my insides suffer the weight of more than a simple 23 years on this earth. i spent friday using every ounce of strength to simply hold my emotions in check. by the end of the work day, i was exhausted. spent. emotionally had nothing left. and i feel like ive only hardly recovered.

ill be honest. im not looking forward to Christmas this year.

my coworker… the 40something woman who was nice enough to ask some pointed questions left me a voicemail that, if i could save forver, i would. she simply said that i deserved to have a wonderful holiday this year.

now, im not trying to push myself… or say “look at me”… i am saying… that id like that. id truly enjoy a nice holiday this year.

there is something to this holiday right? there is some current that, although hidden by the waves crashing on the shore, it moves unseen, powerfully below the waves… changing the face of the oceans themselves… there is something real underneath all this wrapping paper and tinsel isnt there? God help me not to lose sight of this.

i dont know what to do next. ive honestly thought about setting up some time to talk with my therapist again. its been more than a year. all i know is that it feels like im falling backward. im waking up feeling the stress on every ounce of my back.

im fighting… im fighting myself.

im realizing that somewhere, inside of the me that is now “me”… lives the old me. the me that existed 2 years ago. the me that loved large crowds of people. the me that could enjoy talking with anyone and everyone. the me that loved being around lots of close friends. the me that had lots of close friends… the me, that basically died… when the world caved in.

im realizing that the reason i clung on so hard to skipper during that time was because she was the only person who DIDNT know the past me. i knew, although i didnt understand it at the time, that my life had changed. i had changed. and i wasnt ever going to be the same person. no one else understood that. none of the friends of the old me seemed to be able to accept that. and i needed someone who would accept me as is. skipper was that person.

im realizing now, that that is why i dont spend much time with a number of people. being with them rips apart my emotions… and it tears me up inside. i feel as if im trying to resurect whomever i used to be to them, simply to make them feel comfortable. why? im not sure. maybe its because im afraid they wont like the new me. maybe its because im afraid i dont like the new me.

maybe… just maybe… its because i am actually pushing them away. maybe its because i figure that there going to leave anyway… so why not make it easier on me for once… and be the one doing the leaving, instead of the one left to pick up the pieces.

i hurt. and sometimes its so bad i cant breath. i dont want to celebrate christmas this year. i dont. knowing that i wont be home. knowing that my dad… wont be opening anything.

i just want a break. is that to much to ask?

Advertisements