this is something i ended up writing a week ago or so. and the pain with which i right it…. with which pen leaves impression on paper… is overwhelming.

so ill leave you with it.

introspective… in retrospect.

you grow up thinking that you’ll be the big brother who will always be there. swim meets. first dates. prom nites. and stupid boyfriends.

i wasnt that kind of brother.

i wasnt there.

and now she’s engaged.

she’s engaged and ive not even met my soon to be brother in law.

i want to go home.

i want to spend whatever time my sisters have thats actual “growing up” time… with them.

sometimes it takes your life being jarred in a manner you didnt think would happen… for you to begin to look internally… and see how much things have changed.

ive spent 2 years up here on my own. and i suddenly realized late saturday nite that ive proved to myself that i can make it on my own. i did it. i am my own man.

and i miss my mom. so much.

its been more than a year since ive seen her.

what happened? where did the time go? and why wasnt i there?

how can i call myself a big brother… when i wasnt there. was it really just my own greed… wanting my own way that kept me up here?

its amazing isnt it? she’s grown up.

and im not there.