ive tried to post twice now, and its just not happening. so im probably going to be brief tonite.

a thank you goes out to those who’ve commented on my last post. although the previous post was and still is a part of what i feel… it honestly isnt all of the truth. i wasnt lying, i was being 100% honest. but emotions dont control us. and what you read was a lot of emotion.

for the record, i am thrilled for my sister. my mom approves of the engagement. and i cant wait to go down and meet this guy…. 3 weeks from… today. ill be home.

i will say this much, somehow – through the haze that has been my mind the past 4-6 weeks… im still learning things. im still realizing things.

i was reminded again of some issues in my life. areas where i havent forgiven myself. areas in my life where i simply havent accepted the reality of now… and the realities i lived through 2 years ago. and areas in my life… where i have not forgiven God.

i know, you’re probably asking yourself how one can blame God. for God is blameless. He is right, just, pure and 100% unblameable. He has never done any wrong. i know all those things. and beyond that, i believe all those things.

i know… but i chose not to forgive.

and i know that my choices have consequences. my prayer life, is almost nonexistent. how do you talk/communicate with anyone if you blame them for something huge.

and thats what im doing. im blaming God for the past 2.5 years of my life. for the hell ive gone through. for the hell my family has gone through. and for what he allowed my dad to do to my sisters. its revolting that a God of “love” could just stand by and watch “His daughters” live through the worst actions and events that anyone could ever face.

and it all happened… just under our noses.

just under my nose.

so what am i saying here? what am i hinting at?

honestly, im not sure. i know that im not in a healthly place right now. ive been startled out of thought processes, projects at work, and sleep with memories of the past. memories of the recent past… of mistakes i made… and of well, lets just say “memories” id rather forget.

and feel like i cant bring this to anyone. im sure most people ive talked with about the situations in my family are fairly sick about hearing about them. God knows i am. and its not that things “change” in those situations often at all… its just that that wont go away. its like an open infected wound that isnt allowed to heal because the tissue is constantly ripped open again… it never goes away. it may not get worse, but it wont leave. and therefore, to me anyway, it hurts… just like the first time, all over again.

and how exactly do you approach someone about the abuse your sisters and heck, even you probably went through?

“hey george, how ya doin? lets talk about my crappy past” doesnt go over very well…

im having a harder and harder time deciphering real memories from nightmares. and its not fun.

my family, my mere existence is the very sum of all of the fears i have about having my own family.

and now my sister wants to start one of her own. can you blame me for feeling overprotective? for feeling like shes vulnerable in a way i can do nothing about? and can you blame me if im struggling to leave this whole things in a loving Gods hands?

so maybe the question to ask next is simply that… what is next?

what steps should i be taking to walk free from this? or, before that, is it possible to ‘walk free’ from it? from the memories, from the nightmares. from the overwhelmed feeling when a new memory arises? or are they all a part of who i am now?

and for that matter… who am i now? am i the son of a divorced family? no… not technically… the divorce hasnt been finalzed. am i one who has survived abuse and will keep fighting? i dont know. because i dont FREAKING REMEMBER if i was abused or not. i have all these memories. disgusting memories… but they make no sense… its like throwing random rememberances into a food processor, letting it run for a minute or two… and then trying to make sense of the sludge that remains.

what are my dreams? what is my calling? what is my role in this life? why the heck am i even here?

questions that all could be answered if i simply prayed.

simply prayed.

Lord…. help.

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