so im here. texas that is.

new city.
and i know nothing. no idea where 90% of anything is. that makes it so much more fun when it comes to looking for work. and trying to find the place i was supposed to interview at. spent 90 minutes driving around ft. worth. basically lost. missed an interview because of it… sheesh.

so i just scheduled for tomorrow an interview for a company in dallas. thats an hour long drive. one way.

yeah, im definetly feeling depressed.

anybody got a job for me?

i think todays events were just what i needed to bring focus on something im realizing. maybe ive been realizing this since before i left rochester. actually, i knew this then. im just listening a little more now.

almost every job posting ive called on, ive been asked the same question…

“what are you looking for”.

and of course, there is the pre-programmed response of

“im looking for a position that will allow me to grow as well as be challenged. being an asset to the company… blah blah blah…”

maybe its just me, but the question has such a deeper ring now.

what am i looking for…

its the question that is defining a lot for me right now.

so many of the people i know, people my age… have dreams. they know what they want to do, a lot of them even went to school so they could jump into their dreams… and by 23, or 24, they’re starting LIFE! they’re working the job they want, living where they want.. dating who they want and maybe even are getting married. they’re living the dream.

and see, thats the thing… i dont dream. i havent actually “dreamed” in more than 3 years. i havent had a dream, a “goal”… for such a long time. life, got in the way of my dreams.

im beginning to wonder if i can dream it again… and beyond that… should i?

is there something else out there besides simply fighting for mere existence? is there something beyond living paycheck to paycheck.. or in reality, weekened to weekend? do i want a “job”? no, not really. not another “job”. but, do i need the money? yes. so ill get a job. ill work my freakin tail off. ill be the best gosh darn ______ (insert title) they could get… but what do i want?

what am i looking for?

i lost my dream.

i couldnt tell you what i really truly want out of life if you held a loaded gun to my head and demanded it from me.

so… to answer the question…

what am i looking for?

my dreams.

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