not that it should surprise me, but just in case i didnt realize it earlier, i do not enjoy stress whatsoever.

im sitting here tonite, 11:06pm and im fighting off my 4th or 5th tension headache this week. not… repeat NOT a happy camper.

im also realizing that i seem to do what i hate others doing. im shying away from scenes, situations and conversations that make me uncomfortable. i mean, i came all this way with a number of goals in mind.

-spendin time with the fam.
-unscrewin in my head/heart what has been so screwed up due to the past 3 years
-learning to be able to love again.

real love too. not the cheesy, “oh i love it when i get to work with bob… he’s a hoot!” real love. the kind that takes your breath away. the kind that makes grown men cry… and moreso, it tells them crying is ok. the kind of love that draws us to our knees. the kind that lets us know that no matter what… we’re special… and beyond that, we are cherrished.

my mind is drawn back to a time about a year maybe 16 months ago. when i found myself at the altar of my church (in rochester) during a worship service… there had been an altar call, for what, i do not remember…

but whats burned forever burned into my memory… is standing there, arms outstretched, tears flowing down my face… i was hurting, so much. and i was so scared.

and the next thing i knew, were two very strong arms around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. it was pastor dick, THE worship leader… he’d come down off the platform and simply wrapped his arms around me.

it was at that moment that my defenses finally dropped, and i began to cry… and i began to heal. it was at that moment, that i knew safety. and for the first time in a very long time, i felt safe.

maybe im simply choosing to be naive to think i can make it down here on my own. because i know i cant. and maybe im simply being stupid to think that God will tell ‘someone’ that he is supposed to be my mentor. and maybe im just being spoiled. and demanding things my way.

maybe im missing new york. and maybe, just maybe.. what im really missing are the people who were the closest thing to father figures that i’ve had in more than 3 years.

if i was to be honest with you, brutally honest.. id tell you that i feel alone here. id tell you that, i feel like i just stepped onto another planet. id tell you that, although the natives were friendly… they werent “friends”. and id tell you that, i miss rochester.

but maybe i wont be honest. maybe tonite ill just put on a smily face and tell you “texas is great!” maybe ill do what i do every day, simply say everything is ok. and im “just tired“.

tonite, i guess, in a way… im simply posing the questions that continually race through my mind. the difference between tonite and most other nites?

im not going to search for the answers… not tonite.