as a follow up to last nites post…
i had a conversation with a new york friend earlier this evening. we ended up talking about people we could be brutally honest with.
the whole conversation began because my new york friend had a week from hell. she just ended up dealing with a lot of crap that she thought had been dealt with. all internal crap, but nonetheless, still crap. and sometimes, as we both said… its harder to deal with hell from within. simply because there are no physical actions we can take to lessen the pain, or move the procces along.
when the hell you must walk through is inside… you’re simply along for the ride.
she got talking about two friends of hers who just let her be her. and be brutally honest about everything. and they still loved her. she was describing it as a
“whole new level of friendship that she’d never known existed….”
then she asked the question that led me to this point. she simply asked who i had to go to and be brutally honest with.
and ya know my reply? i didnt have anything to respond with. not a response that was worthy of the depth of our conversation. this was no “hey, hows the weather” conversation. this wasnt a soup question.
i didnt have a response because the only thing boiling inside of me was cynicism. i was cynical. and i was bitter. and ive got every reason to be cynical.
i mean, i go to bed every nite worrying that ive done something wrong. and that, whatever it was that i did wrong will cause the other freaking shoe to drop. and then bam, ill end up in jail. or ill be kicked outta texas… or worse. not that ive done anything to merit jail time, or being kicked outta texas… but when the first shoe drops… and everything you thought could never happen… happens… you begin to think about other things that could never happen… happening.
and yes, if i was thinking with a logical mind, i wouldnt worry so much. and moreso, if i was able to rest in the love my mom has for me… i wouldnt worry.
but ya know what? mom loved me 3 years ago. hell, GOD loved me 3 years ago
and where the heck was he?
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
2 comments
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June 26, 2004 at 1:04 pm
kate g
i don’t know the deal with your mom. nor do i get the whole thing about being kicked out of texas or ending up in jail.
but i get the feeling of being without God. i get the loss and lonliness of that thought, and beyond the thought, of the emotion and depth of being completely independent, including being such in relation to God.
where is he when life sucks that bad? my answer, he’s still there. he’s suffering with you. even though i know that it doesn’t seem like it nor does there appear to be any way he is having any understanding of what hell is within you. he is still there.
he is always there.
it may not look like it, seem like it, feel like it, or even remotely appear possible that he’s paying any attention to you… but as max lucado, who is far wiser than i once said…
‘the next time you are called to suffer, pay attention. it may be the closest you ever get to God.’
coming through it, years of hell and suffering, you realize it. so right now, i know you won’t see it or feel it, but the thing that may help, is to hear it.
he’s there.
he loves you.
he would do anything for you.
he is holding you.
and will continue to hold you.
he loves you.
he loves you.
he loves you.
(and i know it may not mean as much, but i do too….)
June 28, 2004 at 10:15 am
Courtney
Ouch. My heart hurts for you because I understand what you’re saying. May you find rest and the unconditional, perfect love of our Daddy, who loves us in spite. It’s alright to hurt. It’s alright to be angry. It’s alright to question. He’s still there. And the best part is that he’s still faithfully loving.