as a follow up to last nites post…

i had a conversation with a new york friend earlier this evening. we ended up talking about people we could be brutally honest with.

the whole conversation began because my new york friend had a week from hell. she just ended up dealing with a lot of crap that she thought had been dealt with. all internal crap, but nonetheless, still crap. and sometimes, as we both said… its harder to deal with hell from within. simply because there are no physical actions we can take to lessen the pain, or move the procces along.

when the hell you must walk through is inside… you’re simply along for the ride.

she got talking about two friends of hers who just let her be her. and be brutally honest about everything. and they still loved her. she was describing it as a

whole new level of friendship that she’d never known existed….

then she asked the question that led me to this point. she simply asked who i had to go to and be brutally honest with.

and ya know my reply? i didnt have anything to respond with. not a response that was worthy of the depth of our conversation. this was no “hey, hows the weather” conversation. this wasnt a soup question.

i didnt have a response because the only thing boiling inside of me was cynicism. i was cynical. and i was bitter. and ive got every reason to be cynical.

i mean, i go to bed every nite worrying that ive done something wrong. and that, whatever it was that i did wrong will cause the other freaking shoe to drop. and then bam, ill end up in jail. or ill be kicked outta texas… or worse. not that ive done anything to merit jail time, or being kicked outta texas… but when the first shoe drops… and everything you thought could never happen… happens… you begin to think about other things that could never happen… happening.

and yes, if i was thinking with a logical mind, i wouldnt worry so much. and moreso, if i was able to rest in the love my mom has for me… i wouldnt worry.

but ya know what? mom loved me 3 years ago. hell, GOD loved me 3 years ago

and where the heck was he?