i sit here on what is my friday night. well, saturday morning actually. 1:13am. with the thoughts of a million yesterdays swimming though my head. i seem to be caught up in the flow and my feelings are as scattered as raindrops on the grass.

before i came to ft. worth, my friends in rochester threw me a going away party. the video of which, numerous goofy goodbyes and well wishes included, arrived on my doorstep only yesterday. contained therein lies the faces of those ive loved, and those ive not seen in… wow, 3 months.

and if i was to be gut level real with you tonite, id tell you that, in all honesty, there are always a few faces that mean so much to me, that it hurts when i miss them.

ive caught myself diving into the thought proccess of asking why im here. and that, my friends, is a dangerous thought process. because, im not sure. when i left new york, i left behind so many things i loved…. and im not sure how to go about replacing them here.

running sound for instance. for those of you who dont know, i am a sound man. and i love it. my heart beats for being behind the sound board at church, concert, festival, funeral… i dont care… i just love doing it.

and ive not done it… in months.

what am i running from? maybe thats the question? maybe i should seirously look at my life and begin to move again. begin to stretch. begin to allow myself to miss the people in my life who mean so much. begin to cry. begin to heal.

maybe thats it.

maybe it is, but before that question gets answered… there are some things i need to say:

jenna – we’ve been through so much. i dont take that lightly. thank you for the video. for helping me keep my head on straight. and for the late nite random chats:-)

maran – God only knows if you even know i have a blog… but my thanks to you doesnt go for anything you’ve done, but for who you are. from the moment i met you, it was perfectly evident that you wanted God’s best for your life. that has served as an inspiration to me in so many ways. thank you.

kate – i know we’ve not kept that closely in touch, but im still thankful we were brought together as friends. you’ve walked the road im walking, and you still chose to truly live… that means so much. thank you.

and last but not least,
heidi – i miss you. so much. i hope you know that. i hope you know i pray for you. i hope you know i love you. and i hope you know i only want the best for you. thank you for being there for me no matter what. for dealing with distance and not being able to see facial expressions. for pictures, postcards and polos. for friendships, car trips, and coffee sips:-) i yove you yots!

not many things that come easy, end up being all that great. this goes out to my friends out there who are dying to live…

from the live intro of “meant to live”