i wrote the following comments about a week ago. and i had posted them for a few hours, but pulled em due to their seeming to be so bitter and hateful.

but thats a part of my humanity isnt it? im not saying im right by feeling that, or rather “this” way, but it is a part of who i am. its me being real. its the ugly part of life. its the part that no one likes talking about. but its there none the less.

its the coffee stain on the beige carpet that you rearrange the entire living room to cover.

its the one small spot on an otherwise perfectly undisturbed existence that oh the horror! simply must be covered at all times or gasp someone might find out im not perfect! ::scream::

so, enjoy.

the subject was: I hate texas

ok, blunt beginning. but that was my honest thoughts and feelings from earlier today. and it really wasnt “texas” because, well – what is texas?

its a state. or as websters puts it:

One of the more or less internally autonomous territorial and political units composing a federation under a sovereign government

thank you mr webster.

so, politics and a land mass. that can be found anywhere on earth. so maybe i dont hate texas. not directly.

i hate my father.

ok, take 2. another blunt beginning. but again – pure honesty. and i think ive got a better arguement to back this one up. i mean – come on. how one man could impact 4 lives in such a destructive way is beyond me.

i hate him for what sister 1 is going through. and how hard it is to trust guys. and i hate him for what sister 2 is going through. and how much of a battle it is some days to simply eat. i hate him for what my mom has got to go through now. 20+ years of being “mom” and now she’s the breadwinner and the mom.

ok, i just argued my point and ive got no defense for it. so there, dad… consider yourself hated.

wow… look at me tonite. mr cynicial and im just on a roll aren’t i? just oozing with the love of Christ and what not.

what on earth is bringing this on today? seirously. im not sure.

im just slowly realizing how hard this is here. how so screwed up everything is. how much i have NO FREAKIN IDEA what a good family dynamic is supposed to look like. or what my role is in the family.

family “a place to belong”…. only if you know your place. so again, the question – what is my place?

new topic. moving.

as in, we moved. the fam and i. newer bigger place. woohoo! goodnews for tonite:-) and, im back online. had to wait for my services to get transfered to the new house. but im back now.

its still not done yet…moving that is. i mean, all the stuff is here – but my room is still mostly boxes and stuff.

it is funny though, it seems that for the months ive been down here, we’ve not spilled one item that could stain anything. and then we get to this new place, all new carpets and paint and what not, and i spill my coffee… and two days later, my sister drops her nailpolish in the hallway. her red nailpolish.

oh well.

back to the original topic. i think im being very cynical right now because im hurting. yeah, i know – suck it up pj. tough it out. be a man.

i tell myself that every day.

new topic
its funny how many things are running through my head right now. im having a very indepth conversation with a good friend of mine about “the one”. or rather, the ideal that there is “one perfect person” for everyone in the world.

her: well, what do you think?

sirpjtheknight: im in a rather cynical mood tonite, so what i think “right now” wouldnt be honest. however, i will say, i lived 22 years of my life holding out for “the one”. i hadnt even kissed a girl. i lived knowing, absolutely knowing, that somewhere out there – there was one perfect girl for me. that was my dream

its what drove me to not randomly date or get involved with girls who werent godly. its what enabled me to have such awesome friendships with people like jenna, you, stacey, etc.

when my parents split… that dream was nearly destroryed – and my willingness to stay the course till God showed me the one suddenly seemed… foolish

a pipedream

a whimsical thought process with no weigh in the real world.
and my life reflected that. and it did for a long time

do i still allow myself to dream of a love that creates the need for me to remind myself to breath? do i still harbor the slim hope of finding that one person who – who makes me want to be a better man?

i do.

but those dreams arent filled with hope anymore. no, they now carry a longing from a time past.

ok, so i didnt really answer your question directly. if i had to answer it in one sentence…

well, i dont know yet. ive not figured out yet wether or not holding out for “the one”, or if there IS a “one” is the right thing to do.

ok, thats it. my post for tonite. scattered and not thought out. no over-arching theme or grand statement.

just me in the moment.

enjoy

-the end-

ive found myself struggling in so many ways trying to figure out my role down here. who i am. who im supposed to be. what my role is in the fam, in ny, with the friends and ministries i left behind.

i came to texas to deal with a lot of painful things. to obtain healing and wholeness… and to stop hurting. i came to deal…. thats true

but thats the thing – i dont even know “how” to deal.

we all have our demons dont we? some of us are just better able to cover them and not have to deal directly with the destruction they cause. others of us, well, we have no choice. our demons are let loose and we’ve got only two options. curl up and die, or fight. for some of us, our demons arent even our fault… but never the less, we choose to fight.

so, bring it on.

Advertisements